A week ago I was lunching with a friend whom I admire. As we
ate, we were discussing the many different lessons we learned as we grew up.
My friend shared with me that one of the lessons that he
learned growing up was that no matter how good he was; he could never be good
enough. He talked about the shame and the guilt he felt as he grew up in his
home. It was difficult for him to grow in that environment.
The messages he heard in his home not only impacted his
adolescent experience but continue to impact his adult life. He constantly
works on overcoming these feelings of shame and guilt. Dealing with these
feelings is one of the major themes of his life. Though he acknowledges their
negative impact, he finds it difficult to outgrow these feelings. Let me assure
you, my friend is a very successful man and he is a very caring and intelligent
person. Despite his ability to lead a successful life these thoughts often
return to plague him.
In a meeting with another friend, I asked about her
experience in the work field and what it is like to lead under the pressure of
a demanding board of directors. She said that the board is nowhere near as
demanding on her, as she is on herself.
I thought that was interesting so I probed a bit on why she
was so demanding on herself. I half expected to hear a story similar to that of
the first. Her response encouraged me. She said that one of the lessons she
learned in her home was that she could always be better. I asked her if that
made her feel like she was not good enough and she said, “I know I am better
than good enough, I just know I can be better.”
My friend’s confidence, instilled by her upbringing, created
in her an idea that she was good enough and that she could be better. This is a
beautiful message that resonates well with the message of raising the bar. She
did not feel beat down by knowing she could do better, she felt raised up by
it.
These two people received almost the same message but in two
very different environments. Both knew that that they could do better. One was
led to believe that the fact that he could do better meant that he was not good
enough. The other was led to believe that the fact that she could do better
meant that she was already a success and that she had the potential within her
to become even more successful.
Many of you who are reading this are in the midst of raising
your own children. I want you to know the experiences of my two friends are
real. Many of you know this because you too experienced one or the other as you
grew up.
As you strive for your own personal success, please know
that no success that you will ever accomplish will be as honorable for you as
raising confident children. Conversely, no success will ever be as dishonorable
as raising children who are shameful and full of guilt.
Many of us give the best we have to those things that matter
least. We often leave our best at work. Make sure you are not one of them. At
the very least, please make sure that your face lights up each time one of your
children walk into the room. It is not reasonable to believe at this trying
time that you can spend large quantities of time with your children. It is
reasonable, however, to believe that you can make the most of the moments you
have with your children to ensure that they are quality moments.
I know that the world is especially busy and challenging
right now. Your greatest joy will come during the peaceful and loving moments
that you create within the walls of your own home. It is easy to get caught up
in the shuffle of the world at the expense of your family. It is also easy to
come home at the end of long and frustrating day, cranking and angry. Your
greatest moments await you when you get home. Let those moments regenerate you.
As you focus on nurturing and building your personal life, your ability to
manage the people and processes in your professional life will dramatically
improve.
See you on the road!
Andrew Thorn
760-559-3548
athorn@telioscorp.com
