•  
•  
•  
•  
•  
•  

• DAILY PONDERINGS
• ARTICLES
• BOOKS
• VIDEOS
• NEWS / PRESS
• The Dr. Andrew Thorn Show

Once, when I was feeling particularly annoyed, the thought occurred to me, "why don't you just take it out?" My first response was, "I hardly ever put anything in it, why should I take it out?" Then I thought, "what's the big deal, just take the can out." 

I left it there for another couple of days. Every time I saw it, I got a little bit more annoyed. Finally, I took it out. All the way to the outside trash I was mumbling about why I had to do this when I never use the can that much at all anyway.

Looking back now, I can see how silly I behaved. This type of behavior is called Self-Deception. It is very common behavior for all of us, both at home and at work.

Most leaders easily see where change is needed when it relates to their organization and/or to the people they lead. But they often find it difficult to identify where they personally need to change. As we become more successful, it becomes even harder for us to see where personal change is needed. We understand that change is easier to create before the crisis occurs, but our successes often create a false sense within us that all is well. As a result, we are often blinded from seeing  the warning signs that indicate change is needed. Without knowing it, most of us engage in self-deceptive behaviors all the time. 

Self-deception is the opposite of authenticity. It is an attempt to avoid responsibility for self. It is a process of denying or rationalizing away the relevant, significant, or important evidence that change is needed in order to maintain forward progress. It generally results in leaders blaming others for the problems that surround them instead of creating the personal growth they need to develop and become their very best. Self-deceptive behavior stymies our growth.

The most difficult part of self-deceptive behavior is identifying when we are doing it. There are at least three indicators that may signal our entrance or permanent residency.

When you find yourself blaming others for the things that are going on around you, you are probably missing something very significant; your own contribution to the problem. Blaming others is one of the tell-tale signs of self-deception. It keeps us from being accountable and from seeing things as they really are. As long as I saw the overflowing trash can as Stacy's problem I was never going to live up to my personal responsibilities. I needed to see that we are in this together and that it was just as much my responsibility to empty that can as it was hers, maybe even more. 

I believe that it is never productive to blame somebody else, no matter how appropriate it may seem. I cannot make any progress as long as I am blaming others for what is going on around me. That is why I eliminate blame as much as possible so that I can take full responsibility for what is going on around me. 

When I allow myself to be a victim, I have stepped into the box of self-deception. This is a close cousin to blaming but it is a bit different. As a victim, I am helpless. I have no way of being accountable because of what somebody did to me. I can be a victim even when I avoid blaming others. I can say something like, "I know this is my fault, but I can't help where I am at. I am caught up in extenuating circumstances and so I am a victim of those circumstances." As soon as I engage in this type of self-dialogue, I have entered into self-deception. I may not be able to control what is going on around me, but I can control what I do about what is going on around me and how I behave. 

My dad always told me to be an actor and not a reactor. This always helped me to take responsibility for my behavior. It is safe being a victim. It means I don't have to do anything because I can't. It means I am off the hook. My favorite phrase that indicates self-deception by being a victim is; "this is just the way I am – I was born this way and I will always be this way." That line keeps more people from seeing things as they really are than any other.

Believe it or not, I am in the car right now. Stacy and I are going out for a morning date that we had scheduled for a while and I am just finishing this article. I am riding in the passenger seat, a position I rarely occupy when we are together. We are in our Ford Excursion – it is a big car, but we have seven kids so we need it. My computer is on my lap and I am feeling the jostling of the car as we head toward our destination. My computer keeps sliding around.

In my mind I am thinking – "Stacy is not a very good driver."  As we talked about this together, she mentioned, it is a truck and it drives like a truck. If I was driving and she complained about the ride, I would say, "the road is rough."

Though this sounds like blaming, it is actually something quite different. When I rationalize, I am giving myself a pass by attributing my actions to the conditions around me. It is interesting to realize that when I rationalize someone else's actions I attribute it to their personal behavior. This too, keeps me from seeing things as they really are, but in a much more dangerous way. Why?, because it allows me to constantly elevate myself above my behavior. I never have to see what I am doing when I rationalize my actions because I have a source for my actions – i.e. the circumstances around me.

The only way I have found out of self-deceptive thinking and behaving is to ask myself what I consider to be the most important question I ever ask myself. You have heard me express this question before. The question; "what is my contribution to what is going on around me?" As soon as I ask myself this question, it unlocks  my potential for authentic behavior. It places the focus on my actions instead of the actions of others, which gives me the opportunity to do something.

I am imaging that as you read this, you have thought – "this is simple" or "yeah, I already know that" or my personal favorite, "so and so needs to read this." You are right on all three accounts, but unfortunately that does not mean that you have this figured out. As soon as you think you do, you find yourself back in the box of self-deception. That&
#39;s why I like this topic so much, because it is something that we all commonly suffer from and that we all need to work on all the time. 

Do you see what I mean? What thoughts do you have? What do you do to escape self-deceptive behavior? I would like to invite you to re-read this article. This time, I want you to read it in your voice with a focus on your life. I want you to reflect on how these simple suggestion might help you enjoy a happier life. I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

Live Today! Love Today!

760-559-3548