Stacy recently asked me to help her edit a paper that she wrote for her class on Parenting and Child Guidance. Her assignment was to write about the way her parents raised her and the impact they had on her. It was a very interesting exercise for me. Her writings helped me understand her better and gave me great insight into her upbringing
In the assignment she had to write about her parent's patterns of discipline, communication, affection and support, and moral standards. It was fascinating to read and difficult to edit. The reason it was so difficult was because she was writing about things very important to her. She told me that the draft she sent me was longer than it needed to be and she not only wanted me to help her edit the content but she also wanted me to help her eliminate unnecessary content. It was a chore because it was not objective content. Everything she wrote was important to her and in some way she felt it was necessary. I was concerned that I would cut something that is important to her.
The Stories Of Life
As I read her paper, I could clearly see the impact her parent's have had in her life. I could also see how the stories she highlighted shaped her own parenting style. It was touching to read about the decisions we have made together and how we have incorporated our own stories to raise our own family.
I was aware of the many lessons she learned from her parents, both the good and the "not so good". From those lessons, she formed opinions and behavior patterns that she brought from her home to ours. She brought with her elements of the good and the "not so good". This reminded me that the lessons we learn in our home are very powerful and difficult to reshape.
I lost myself in thought a couple of times thinking about the lessons that we are teaching our seven children. I am sure that every parent desperately wants to teach their children the lessons they will need to succeed in the world. Unfortunately, since none of us are perfect, we all fall short. This can cause some to feel guilty for the way they raised their children. In reality, good parents don't teach their children everything they know, they teach them how to learn what they need to know.
Some Lessons Show Us How, Others Show Us How Not To
This morning, I read some very real examples of how my wife's parents shaped her life in both positive and negative ways. I found myself feeling grateful for all of the lessons she learned from them. They did the best they could. It was clear from her narrative that she felt loved and supported by them. They have loved and supported me too over the years and they love our children. She thinks they might be surprised or even feel hurt by some of her memories, but I think they would understand. I also think they already know.
I understand that our children will one day share similar stories. They will take what they learn from us and they will do things their own way. Some things they will do because they like to do them. Some things they will do without knowing why they do them. Some things they will do, even though they swore they would never do them. That is the power of the parent/child relationship.
The Job Is Never Over
The summer adventure that I am living now includes Stacy's parents. It is fun to be living so close to them. We are taking advantage of the time to talk and share stories with each other. They are our parents and we are still learning from them. There is much to learn.
I hope my description of this exercise will cause you to think about your parent's and your children, (if you have children). I think the exercise of thinking about the impact of the way your parent's disciplined you, the way they communicated with you, the way they showed their love and affection for you, and the values they taught you is a great exercise to do at any stage of your marriage. I believe it would be a valuable exercise to encourage children who are about to get married to do. It brings a lot of understanding to the way we are and why we are that way. We decided today to invite our children to do it as a premarital exercise.
Even more important though is to take personal inventory on these categories.
What messages are you transmitting to your posterity? Are you teaching them the lessons you always hoped you would teach them?
What are you most pleased with? What adjustments do you need to make?
How do you know you are being understood? What can you do to make sure your children are receiving the messages you want them to receive?
Perhaps some of you reading feel some pain for the mistakes you have made along the way. I recognize that this pain is very real. I promise you that you will feel better when the pain goes away. You can make the pain go away by forgiving yourself and moving forward. As long as you are living, there is still time to be the kind of parent you have always wanted to be. All you have to do is step forward with hope and faith.
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