The other day, I sat in a corner of our home and casually listened to the sounds of life. As you can imagine, our home is usually a very noisy place. With seven children, Stacy and I, painfully understand, that quiet time really only happens between 11:00 PM and 5:00 AM, if we are lucky. During nearly every other moment, our family generates a lot of interesting sound waves.
I was away from the main events and my children were unaware I was listening. They were engaged in their natural dialogue. Sooner or later, each conversation included the phrase, "stop doing that!" Some said it with a whinny voice, others said it rather "matter-of-factly" and sometimes it was even said with some humor.
I had a parental moment. I asked myself, "why do all of their conversations include that statement?" As I pondered this question, I reflected upon the many conversations that I have with my children that also include this phrase. I was surprised to discover that I say it a lot, and concluded that they learned it from me.
It Is Easy To Correct
I allowed myself to think a little deeper, which made me realize that not only is this phrase spoken frequently in the home, but it is also uttered quite often in the office. In fact, one of the most common questions I am asked by my clients is, "how can I tell "so and so" to stop doing that?"
We are actually very competent in telling people to stop doing the things that we don’t want them to do. Most of us, like myself and my children, have heard it and done it since we were very young. But being good at saying it, does not guarantee that we will get the results we want. In fact, there appears to be a converse relationship between the frequency of saying "stop doing that" and the behavior of the person to whom the statement is directed. By this I mean that the more often we tell someone to stop doing something, the more likely they are to continue doing it. Our focus on it increases their focus on it, which in turn, increases the likelihood that it will either continue or stop, only temporarily, until we are out of sight.
I think we all intuitively understand this concept, but for some reason, we fear that if we stop telling people what they should stop doing, they will continue to do the things that are holding them back, and/or making our lives miserable.
Unconventional Wisdom
It may seem natural, when managing people, to tell them to stop doing the things that are damaging to self, others or the system in which they work, but saying that, hardly ever produces the long term growth and development that we want for our people. The leaders that make the biggest impact in our lives, inspire us to start doing things much more often than they ask us to stop doing things.
The list of things we should start doing, also includes the things we need to do more often. I enjoy reviewing this list because of its positive focus. When I look at it, I see how I need to behave in order to become the very best me. My thoughts generate action statements that accelerate my growth and development. Everything I do becomes focused on what I need to be doing in order to take myself to the next level. I truly believe that that path of continuous improvement is marked by the milestones of the things we need to start doing more. Any other focus actually will only impede our forward progress and may even cause us to move in reverse.
This is a simple concept to understand, but it is not easy to implement. Most of us find it more difficult to identify the things we should start doing. It actually feels a bit unnatural, because we are so use to identifying what we should stop doing.
This approach also requires us to be creative and to really think about what we want to do. The answers don’t come as easy at first and if we are not careful, we can quickly revert back to thinking about the things we should stop doing.
Moving Forward
One of the first things I do to get started is to create a list of all of things that I am doing that are producing positive results. I then ask myself the question, "How can I get better at doing those things?" Creating this list, helps me identify the competencies I need to develop and prepares me to think about where the real gains will be made. After a while, I naturally transition my thoughts from competencies to behaviors. My real growth occurs when I am able to break down the facade of self-deception and see who I need to become. That list is always populated by the behaviors that I need to develop, and that is what will lead me to be my best. Any growth that I have ever experienced on purpose was a direct result of my ability to see things as they really are – that can only be done behind the walls of self-deception.
How do you figure out what you need to start doing? Do you understand the key ingredients of your success?
How easy would it be for you to stop telling people what they should stop doing and to begin telling them what they should start doing? What is the biggest challenge that you see in this approach?
I invite you to take a few moments and think about these questions. I want you to pay attention today to your dialogue with others. Notice how often you approach matters from a "stop doing that" focus. Then, see if you can test the "start doing that" approach in some of your conversations. You can be a catalyst for positive growth – I look forward to hearing your thoughts.
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