My brother Larry is fond of saying, "If we were all the same, then there would be no need for all of us." I like this thought, and I use it to guide my work in organizations. It helps me remember that each one of us is an individual and that we need our differences to make better teams.
Family Ties
This week, I have been in the mountains with my original family. By that, I mean my mother, my uncles and aunts, and my brothers and sisters. Our children are with us, but they are not the focus of this event. Instead, we are focusing on the people that brought us all together – our ancestors.
It is fun to be together. The memories of the good old days are constantly on our minds. However, the common purpose that brings us together is not strong enough to overcome our individual differences and perspectives. This is made evident by the story telling that is going on. I have heard many different versions of the same story. Each witness learned different things or understood different intentions.
The Same Difference
Many of the same events shaped our growth and development, but the level of diversity that is found within our own family amazes me. The fact that we came from the same background makes it very easy for me to believe that we are the same, and that we see things the same way. I often find this assumption to be very wrong. Sometimes, I am unable to let go of it before a lack of respect is felt, or an offense is taken. Is it any wonder that many of us struggle so much when we are engaged in teaming with people who grew up in very different homes and with different values?
The work of diversity and inclusion is something very dear to my heart and a driving force of my work. Nevertheless, I find it difficult to put on my working hat when I am with my family. The pull of our similar experiences makes it difficult for me to see each person individually. But when I am able to see things with my eyes open, I discover the most wonderful differences.
Some of these differences are so surprising that I find myself wondering how they are possible. These are the ones that are difficult to accept. Thankfully, I have learned that acceptance is not what most of us want. Instead, we hunger for understanding.
A More Perfect Union
Once, we feel understood, our need to be accepted is significantly diminished. This is because the most passive forms of acceptance come from external sources. True acceptance comes from within. It cannot be given; it must be felt internally.
Understanding on the other hand requires an active effort. It only comes when we allow ourselves to see what someone else is seeing. To gain it, we must open our mind and suspend our own judgments and assumptions. It does not require acceptance, it simply requires us to see the other. It is enough to be seen, and once we are seen we begin to accept our self. Understanding leads to self-awareness, which leads to acceptance.
When we understand each other, we are able to produce amazing results. Understanding provides the freedom to contribute our differences for the good of the whole in a way that acceptance never can. Understanding allows me to be different instead of forcing me to become the same. It provides a greater sense of value, which leads to me becoming and sharing my best.
Is your goal to accept, or understand others?
What can you do to be a better listener?
Are you willing to see people as they are instead of as you think they should be?
There is no escaping diversity. It is found in even the most similar groups. This is a fact for which we should feel an immense amount of gratitude. After all, if we were all the same, there would be no need for all of us.
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