I enjoyed every minute of that challenge. Marshall’s levels of awareness are intensely high. Helping him, meant that I needed to finely tune my focus toward his needs. I learned very quickly that he was the expert on him and if I wanted to help him, I was going to have to get him to tell me what he wanted and how he wanted to be helped.

There was no room for my ego. I could not rely on my previous successes. To truly help him, I had to live each moment from the same intense level of awareness. I had to let go of me so that I could help him create a better him.

Symbiotic Relationships

This did not mean that I could not be myself, it simply meant that all of my efforts needed to be focused on him. The only agenda I could embrace was his.

This relationship forced me to learn in many new ways. My knowledge, skills, and abilities were tested nearly everyday as I worked to give him what he needed. One key learning was that I had to be willing to learn from him. I could not expect that the learning would be one way. As a result, I often told him that I was fairly certain that I was learning more from him, than he was from me. He regularly assured me that this was not the case and publicly and privately valued my work.

Our work together honed my skills and fostered my ability to be direct and involved, without losing sight of what really mattered in the lives of my clients.

Gratitude

Recently, Marshall Goldsmith was named winner of the 2011 Thinkers50 Leadership Award, which is sponsored by The Harvard Business Review. This award designated him as the World’s Most Influential Thinker.

Less than a week after Marshall received this award, I received a note of gratitude stating, “Dear Andrew, the support you gave me, helped make this possible”. Then, remembering our previous conversations and honoring our mutual commitment to learning, he stated, “I think I have learned more from you, than you have learned from me”.

None of this was necessary, but through this action Marshall reminded me of how important it is to show gratitude. I am especially touched by this message at this time of year. This is the time and season when we pause and remember the things and the people who contribute to our well being. It is the time when we pause to say thanks, but thanks is really not enough.

Next level gratitude requires us to clearly state the impact of the other by specifically acknowledging how they have contributed to our success. I am grateful for Marshall’s example of being willing to do that, even 5 years after our work together concluded. I can’t tell you how valued that simple act made me feel. When was the last time you reached to those who have supported you and thanked them for their many contributions? I encourage you to do that today.

Thank you Marshall Goldsmith – This kind act suggests that I continue to learn more from you. I rejoice in your success and I look forward to celebrating it with you soon.

Life is Good!

Dr. Andrew Thorn

760-559-3548

There is no doubt about it. What he did changed my life. I was an Apple Macintosh user when being an Apple Macintosh user wasn't cool. I bought Apple stock when it was $13.56 a share. Thankfully I am still holding it. I got my first iPod nearly a year before I ever heard anybody else talk about it. I am writing this on my MacBook Pro. My iPhone is in my pocket, and my iPad is within reach. These things changed my life and definitely make life more convenient, but did they make my life more meaningful?

The answer to that question is a definite no. What Steve did changed what I do, but it did not change who I am. As I examine his life, I am learning many lessons that I think can help me live a more meaningful life, but these are things that were largely hidden while he was alive. Sadly, much of what I am discovering as I read his biography speak more about how not to live a meaningful life then about how to live a meaningful life. I am not sure how Steve would feel about this statement, because I think he was generally confused about what mattered most: the market or the people. In my mind, there is no confusion. The quantity of what we do, can never compare to the quality of who we become. 

By Saying this, I do not mean to imply that he was a bad man. I think he was a good man who just got a little to busy, though, like most of us sometimes do. The busyness and the business of life prevented him, for much of his life, from focusing on what really mattered. His biography makes it pretty clear that he knew this about himself. Unfortunately, this self-awareness did not change how he lived for most of his life. This should not surprise us, Many of us see the same thing, yet we continue to focus on the things that matter least. There is a worldly pressure to do so.

The Motivating Force of Mortality

In 2003, Steve was diagnosed with a rare, somewhat treatable, form of pancreatic cancer. One great quality that he demonstrated from that point on was his extreme faith. His faith was not particularly spiritual, as he stated that the existence of God was only 50-50. He simply believed that he would survive the impact of this disease. He told us several times that he was cured. Reports indicate that he believed he would beat it, right up until the day he died.

Yet somewhere inside, he lived with the knowledge that his time was short. It is reported that he looked in the mirror everyday so that he could ask himself one simple question: "If today was my last day, would I do the things that I am about to do?" The question is revealing because of what he did with his time. The tech contributions he made after his diagnosis are the ones that define his legacy and the post-mordem advances that we are told are yet to be released will bless the world we live in for years to come. 

There is evidence to suggest that he valued his life more after he learned of the disease that eventually killed him. He is quoted as having said that his increased awareness of his own mortality motivated and focused him. Perhaps the clearest picture of what he valued comes to us from the commencement address he delivered at Stanford University in 2005. On that occasion he shared three simple lessons from his life. 

The lessons Steve shared at that time were all learned through his personal heartache, humiliation and close calls. Remarkably, this how we learn many things. Life has a way of presenting us with some event, person, death, idea, or relationship that challenges us beyond our capabilities. These things often lead us to the very edge of our own private resources. Sooner or later, no matter how much success we have enjoyed, we all "lose" at something. Through these losses, we learn that there is a larger journey; something bigger than what we produce.

For Our Greater Good

My question is this: Is a crisis necessary to motivate us to make meaning? 

I thought about this from a long time and I am convinced that the answer is no. In fact, I have done more than think about this. I have dedicated my life and my work to meaning making experiences. I found that the meaning that comes from understanding in moments of joy is much more powerful than the meaning that comes from the moments of crisis. I also learned that when I take the time to make the meaning during the good times the crises I experience seem more bearable. The strength I gain from this approach is remarkable. This is why I so often say, "Life is Good!" It really is.

So why don't we do it? Because thinking about the big picture, (who we want to be?), requires us to think big, while living into the results questions, (what do I want to do?), just requires us to do.

René Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." Thinking is not enough, as Steve's most famous campaign taught us, we must "Think Different". The big picture requires us to push the pause button, at least every once in a while, so that we can reflect and examine our life. This helps us become clear about what we want.

When the "Who am I?" question is well defined, the "What should I do?" questions are easily answered . That is how meaning is created. That is how we live into purpose. That is how we become whole and authentic. 

Goodbye Steve. We learned so much from you. I hope the most important lesson we learn is that no one gets out alive. If we could only learn to understand that one simple lesson, I am sure we allow our own mortality to motivate us to live a more meaningful life.

Live Today! Love Today!

Dr. Andrew Thorn

760-559-3548

How much time did you spend this week reflecting about what is going on around you and planning your life?

What are you afraid of? Is your fear keeping you from acting courageously?

Do you know why you get up in the morning? Is your purpose clearly defined?

I ask you to consider these questions because they are directly related with the responses gathered from a one question survey of older adults (+ 75). The question is a simple one – "If you could live your life over, what would you do differently?"

I think the answer to this question is pertinent to all of us, but especially to those of us who still have the greater portion of the second half of their life to live. Are you as interested as I am in the responses? Do you think the responses can help you make a course correction if needed?

Trick Questions

Your answers to the questions I asked you to consider at the beginning of this post are very important. That is because the questions are closely correlated with the top three answers the seniors gave in the one questions survey. They said that if they could live their life over, they would do the following:

1. Spend more time reflecting on life.
   
2. Act more courageously.
3. Clarify earlier in their life their individual purpose.

Take a look again at your answers. Are you satisfied with your responses? Are you spending enough time in these areas to help you make meaning out of your life? It is your life to live and I affirm that now, is the most valuable resource you have. Use it wisely.

Live Today! Love Today!

Dr. Andrew Thorn

760-559-3548

This Magic Moment

We are excited and we are concerned. There are many things to be happy about and there are many things to worry about. I suspect that this is normal. We don't have much time to prepare. The wedding is planned for August 14th.

As the shock wears off, I find myself reflecting on my own story. Some of the things that were said at the time of our engagement are starting to make sense. The concerns of a parent are real to the parent, but totally unfounded for the couple being married. Together, Stacy and I formed a union that proved to be stronger than any of the concerns of our friends and family. I hope the same thing happens for Christina and Mike.

Choice

In a strange way, I feel very good about something. The man my daughter is marrying is not the man we would have chosen for her. Our hopes and dreams created a very different picture. That may sound harsh to admit, but I do not mean it in a critical way. I simply find myself feeling very happy that my daughter is making her own choices. To me, it is a sign of our success as parents.

We know, that our influence is still felt and respected. She knows of our concerns, we have discussed them openly with her. Despite our apprehensions, she is moving forward with her choice. That is the way it should be.

Life is Good!

I called each of my brothers and sisters this morning as soon as I got the news. We are a busy family, and I wanted to make sure that they got the date on their calendar so they could begin to plan. Each conversation was distinct. Some shared perspective, others shared advice and all shared hope. These conversations were different for me. In many ways they marked new beginnings.

During one conversation, I felt myself moving on into a new phase of life. I saw the exit door opening just a crack. I could see that my time is giving way to my children's time. Very soon, we will have 14 kids instead of 7 and many tiny voices will be calling us Grandma and Grandpa. I did not feel afraid by this vision, I felt excited. 

And so it begins. it seems like only yesterday that we hunted through the mall for the very last Little Mermaid video and now we give our princess away. We are full of hope. We want the best for her, and we know we cannot give it to her. She must find it herself. To some, that may seem scary, but I wouldn't want it any other way. See you soon Grandma!

Live Today! Love Today!

Andrew Thorn

760-559-3548

Selfless Acts of Service

Stacy and I began raising our children nearly 21 years ago. Since that time, we have changed more diapers, buckled more car seats, wiped away more tears, kissed more booboos, attended more ballgames, watched more shows and gave more council than many other parents on the planet. It just comes with the territory when raising seven children.

Early this year, we finally finished the diaper phase – it lasted twenty years. In three more years, we will exit the car seat phase and that is something worth looking forward to seeing.

The opportunity to love and serve our children has molded us into servant leaders. We understand what it means to meet a need without thinking of the consequences to self. This helps us to be better able to serve. The love that we feel in raising our children is amazingly simple to extend outward. It is second nature to us in our personal lives, so we find it easy to give it to others.

The Final Exam

We currently find ourself facing the final exam of parenthood with our oldest child. She will soon be 21 years old. She has earned her independence by behaving in a most responsible way. She is employed and she pays her own way. We are very happy with the way she is living her life. 

Despite her success and independence, we still feel inclined to parent her. This is because she lacks experience and maturity and we possess wisdom and perspective. We know what is best for her, and we can see the troubles in her path. We want to help her, but we know we can't.

It is difficult to let go, and to let her make mistakes. She is our little girl, and she might get hurt. We don't want that, but when we step back, we can see that she will need that to happen in order for her to gain wisdom and perspective. After all, that is the way we got it.

She needs to experience life for herself. She needs the freedom to make her own choices so that she can discover her own purpose in her life. Stacy and I understand all this, but that does not make it any easier to let go. We want to protect her, and to keep her safe.

A New Way

I call this the final exam, because when we pass it, our relationship with each child will be forever different. Our days of parenting as we know it will actually be over. I am not saying that we won't have a place in their lives I am simply saying that things will be much different.

They will no longer need us to wipe tears and provide safety, instead they will need us to be a friend and confidant. They will need us to listen without prescribing unless asked. They will expect us to be there, and they will want us to love and support them in the ways that they request.

Letting go, is demanding more love from us than it did to change diapers, buckle car seats, wipe away tears tears and kiss booboos. It is a hard commitment to make, but it is required. We love her enough to do it.

The way we feel about our own parents reminds us that letting go does not mean losing. It may feel that way at times, but we know that she will always need us. The need will now just be different.

Are you willing to let your adult children live their lives?

Do you pester them or council them?

Be there for them. That is all they really want. The best way to share the wisdom and love you have for them now is to listen and share the perspective you have gained without prescribing a treatment or a cure. Just be there!

Live Today! Love Today!

Andrew Thorn

760-559-3548

His death ushered in a new era in my life. Up until that point, I thought I was invincible. I went through life winning at everything I tried and I truly believed that I was in total control of what was happening to me. 

His death shocked me. It wasn’t just that he was gone, I also understood that I was next in line. For the first time I saw my own mortality. I knew that I was going to die. I looked at my children and tried to imagine them without a father. I looked at my life and asked myself if I was really doing the things I wanted to do and if the things I was doing would actually make a difference. My answer, was a resounding "no" on both accounts. 

Decision Point

This reality check set in motion a significant period of growth in my life. I decided to change my life and my career. At the time, I was the president of successful commercial finance company. I never really intended to end up in that role, but the natural circumstances, and those that I created resulted in it becoming my chosen profession. I wasn’t happy with what I was doing. I knew that my life purpose was not aligned with that work. It was something I knew for a long time, but I was afraid to do anything about it. 

The lifestyle that my success in that role provided, made it difficult to walk away. I enjoyed my life, but I often felt like helping people incur debt was a waste of my time and talents. I wanted to help people become liberated, not encumbered. I wanted to discover the "authentic me" and I wanted to help others find their "authentic self". 

I decided to rid myself of the obligations associated with my business. I really did let it all go. At first, I worried that everyone would think I failed and had to go out of business. Eventually, I came to realize that it really didn’t matter what anyone else thought. I was shedding a weight that was keeping me from reaching my potential and it felt good. I felt really happy.

When my friends found out what I was doing, they thought I was crazy. They couldn’t understand how I could let go of such a profitable venture. They wondered if my family and I would survive the loss. I have never looked back, and I can honestly say that I am being who I want to be and doing what I want to do. Many of my friends now say that they wish they had the courage that I had so that they could reinvent themselves too.

Life is Long – Life is Short

Sometimes we tell ourselves that we need to do what we are doing, even though we hate it. For some reason we think our survival depends on it. Of course this is not true. We are fortunate enough to be able to invent whatever existence we want to invent. We can be whoever we want to be and do whatever we want to do. There will always be consequences, some good, and some not so good, but each of us truly is free to do whatever we want to do. 

Life can feel very long and boring when we are living someone else’s dream. If we live according to our passion, it passes by as if it were a dream. I realize that living the dream often requires us to sacrifice something. It may mean that we make less money but when we are happy, we can never miss what we do not have.

This Is Your Life!

My friend Richard Leider believes that we would all be wise to regularly check in on the purpose and meaning making side of our life, to ensure that it remains healthy. As we age, we easily accept the importance of submitting ourselves to physical and financial check-ups, but for some reason, it is easy for us to neglect the follow-up we need to make sure we are living a meaningful life.

Richard suggests we pause each year on our birthday and reflect on the following statements to see if we are living on purpose

1. I work at what I love to do.
2. My daily choices are driven by a strong sense of purpose.
3. There is a clear alignment between what I say my priorities are, and how I spend my time.
4. I invest in making a difference in the lives of others.
5. I know what I would like to be remembered for.

I also invite you to ask yourself the following questions. Am I getting what I want out of life? Am I looking for ways to make my aspirations and dreams a reality? Do I know who I want to be when I grow whole? 

If there is any doubt in your responses or any inconsistencies that you feel when you review these statements then it is most likely time for you to consider what commitments you are willing to make to get your self back on track. One of the most beautiful things about this life is that we can start over at any moment. It is all invented by us. We are not bound by our previous action.

My dad often quoted a bit of anonymous wisdom, I know he was not the first to utter this wonderful piece of prose, but to me, it belongs to him:

Yesterday is a canceled check. Tomorrow is a credit. Today is the only ready cash you have. Spend it wisely. 

Don’t allow yourself to willingly give your time away to pursuits that bring little joy or meaning. Instead, focus your energy on the things that matter most.

Live Today! Love Today!

Andrew Thorn

760-559-3548