Everyday we are faced with conflict. I do not know anyone who can honestly say that they have been through a day without some level of conflict. People might say that they have experienced a day without conflict but this is only because the word conflict makes their stomach uneasy. Conflict is “a mental struggle resulting from incompatible or opposing needs…” What this basically means is that every time we are vacillating between having a pizza, because that sounds good, or having a salad, because that is more healthy for us, we are experiencing conflict.
So why does conflict get such a bad rap. Most likely, it is because the common meaning is “a competitive or opposing action of incompatibles.” This is generally what we think of when we think about or experience conflict.
The interesting thing however is that we could not learn without conflict. Learning occurs when we are presented with something that we have never experienced before. It is almost impossible to discover something that doesn’t challenge our existing beliefs. Avoiding this challenge prevents us from learning something new. It is true that not all things are worth learning, but the price of being ignorant is a lot higher than being informed. This is valid whether we accept or reject the new idea. If we accept it we experience a new opportunity, if we reject it we have knowledge that can protect us or serve us later, if we change our mind.
Conflict can also serve as a great way to vent our frustrations. In this sense, conflict is very similar to having a sliver in your finger. Having a sliver can be painful. If you do nothing about the sliver it sometimes, after a couple of days will work its own way out of your body. This can help you avoid the pain of removing the sliver with a needle and tweezers. Unfortunately, slivers usually cause infection and pus to build up, and before you can get it out you will experience more pain than you would have, had you just removed it in the first place.
Dealing with conflict is the same. In our society, conflict is a bad word, so rather than face it we let it fester, hoping that it will work its own way out. This very rarely happens. The conflict does fester and build up and affects our ability to work with the people or circumstances that generate the conflict. We let it sit there until one day the pus oozes out. Actually, when we get to this point it is usually more like a volcano. Our pent up emotions come out in full force. Because we have stored so much conflict, mass destruction occurs. We say or do things that we never would have said if we had just dealt with what was troubling us in the beginning.
Nothing happens easy. There is always opposition in every thing we do. Without it there would be no growth. Conflict causes growth. If we reveal our conflict at appropriate times and receive the conflict of others as ways in which we can learn more about their needs and what motivates them we can grow in ways previously un-thought of.
What is necessary then for conflict to be productive instead of destructive? Plain and simple, there is only one ingredient; trust. If we trust those that we are dealing with, then we will accept their expressions of conflict as gifts. We will recognize that they are only giving us the information that is important to them to meet their needs. We will also give our conflict in non-defensive ways. By doing this we will have a chance to resolve the conflict, which also means to learn new ideas.
When you really think about it, the biggest fear that comes from conflict is that we will have to change because we are wrong. Avoiding conflict is a defense mechanism that protects us from being wrong. This avoidance impedes our progress. We are stuck with our limitations and unable to be free.
How does freedom relate to expressing conflict? Bound by a set of uncertainties and lack of trust we give up our right to say how we are feeling. We leave others the right to interpret our lack of conflict. They leave the meeting thinking, my ideas are accepted, we leave the meeting thinking I can’t believe someone could really think that way. Then we are stuck with the result of having to live with those ideas. Our freedom is gone. We were free to say no I don’t agree, and work out a better solution or gain more insight into where the thought patterns are leading. A win-win solution occurs because we have let our feelings be known. I know it doesn’t always work this way, but at least we can leave knowing that we expressed our feelings and if truly necessary we can object to the new ideas and move on. This takes us back to trust. If we trust our abilities, and ourselves then we will be willing to express our opinions and receive those of others.
It is up to each of us to decide how we will receive conflict. We can view it as a learning experience or an opposing incompatible action. We decide its impact.
