Nearly a year has passed since I last cut my hair. I grew it out for my role as Joseph. My hair is naturally curly and the tightness of my ringlets, made it difficult to see how long it really is.
Today, I will cut it all off and go back to wearing it short again. A part of me is actually looking forward to getting it done. It takes a lot of work to keep it looking right, and it easily moves into random patterns of disarray. I feel like I have had a year of bad hair days. Every where I went, I felt compelled to explain why my hair is so long.
The Face In The Mirror
As I styled it this morning, I realized that I will most likely never grow it this long again. It was one of those moments we all have when we realize we are experiencing something for the last time. Those moments, of course become more frequent as we age. Some pass with little remorse and others are much more difficult to let go of.
My curly hair is part of my identity. Especially when I think of the "young Andrew". This opportunity to grow it long reconnected me with my youth. The way it moves and feels when I shake my head, is something that I never expected to feel again. I will miss that.
My children all have curly hair. When my hair is short, everyone asks them where they got their beautiful curly hair. I enjoyed hearing people say to them, "your hair is just like your dads!" It connected us. I will miss that too.
A part of me loves the random pattern of curls and the freedom I feel in not caring how it looks. I admit to shedding more than a few tears at the prospect of cutting it off, and wouldn’t you know it, today I am having a good hair day.
The Road Ahead
It is easy to focus on the "lasts" we are experiencing and descend into a melancholy mood. I am learning, that the endings we face are really marking new beginnings. I think it is normal to allow myself a moment to say goodbye to the "previous me". It gives me a chance to truly celebrate who I am in this moment. The trouble comes when we try to hold on to that moment. To truly move ahead, we must be willing to let go of who we are, so that we may become who we will be.
If I look backward, I feel a sense of loss. When I look forward, I feel a sense of wonder and excitement. The other day, my friend Eddie asked me an interesting question. He wanted to know what I would do if I were given the opportunity to return to my 21 year old self. Would I take that opportunity? I didn’t hesitate. I said that I had no interest in going backward. Then I said something that he said he had never heard before. I told him that I am not interested in going back in time, but the prospect of moving forward was tempting. I am inspired by who I may become in the future and I am tempted to see what that person will look like. I know the future me, will be a better me. I would enjoy gaining a glimpse of what that "me" will look like.
Living In The Now
Thankfully, I am content to live in the now. I am really not interested in going backward or forward. I just want to be the best me right now. Of course, that means that I will constantly straddle the breach between the previous me and the future me. I will continue to feel the loss and the pain of letting go of some things that defined the previous me. I understand that those meaningful moments actually provide me with the opportunities I need to embrace the future me. My joy is in discovering how the future me will be defined.
The core of my authentic self will always be here. If I let it, the future will merely provide opportunities for me to open up and shine more brightly. Today, I celebrate a new beginning. I am stepping forward with confidence. I hope to see you on the road!
Live Today! Love Today!
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