"We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are." Rabbi Shemuel ben Nachmani
When I was a kid, I had the most wonderfully random head of curly hair. It was a beautiful thing and I loved it. I loved it so much that it became a part of my identity. I never cut it short because I didn't look like me without it. My hair was a big part of who I was.
I wanted to play on the baseball team at my high school. Our team was coached by Mr. Ken Schreiber, who is now in the Indiana Baseball Hall of Fame. The team enjoyed a lot of success under his direction and he is ranked third in the Nation with most wins (1010) ever by a high school coach. He was a strict disciplinarian. If you wanted to play for Coach Schreiber, you had better learn to follow the rules. It did not matter how good you were. If you did not follow the rules, you were not going to play on his team. He use to say that you could whine and groan about it all you want, but the school would back him to the hilt because of his success.
One of the rules was that you had to have short hair to be on the team. Everyone had the same haircut and of course it was called the Schreiber Cut. It was a military style and there were no exceptions made. You couldn't even try out for the team without getting a haircut first. I don't think he would even allow you on his field.
As you can tell by looking at my picture, which was taken when I was just about to turn 16 years old, I didn't exactly sport the Schreiber Cut. I like my curly hair and if I cut it that short, it wouldn't curl anymore.
I had a dilemma. I wanted to play baseball, I loved to play baseball, but I loved my hair too and I didn't want to cut it off. I didn't go out for the team my freshman or sophomore years because I was not willing to play by the rules. When my Junior year rolled around, I saw an opportunity. The team was a little thin. A lot of the starters and backups from the previous year had graduated. There were just a few underclassman that were ready to come up and it looked like people who had not previously played had a good chance of making the team if they were any good.
I thought I was good enough so I wanted to go out for the team. Coach Schreiber was my History teacher and I began negotiating with him about my hair. I told him that I would cut it if I made the team. He said, I would never make the team if I didn't cut it. We went back and forth until it came time for tryouts. I was at the point of decision. I had to decide if I wanted to play.
Nobody recognized me when I showed up at school sporting my Schreiber Cut. I discovered that my curly hair was not just part of my identity, it was part of the identity that others had for me too. Not even the Coach recognized me. I felt funny and cold. I was use to having all that hair around my ears and neck to keep me warm. I had plunged in and Coach Schreiber was impressed with commitment to the team.
Tryouts began and I gave it my all. I worked as hard as I could. My skills were a little rusty, but they came back to me quickly. I was one of the fastest on the team and I could play just about every position. I was a contact hitter and I hit the ball on a line every where. I got regular compliments for what I was doing. I am sure that I am even better now in my mind than I was then. The sacrifice of my beautiful curly hair felt like it was worth it. I was sure I was going to play ball for Coach Schreiber. I made it to the final cut and I was on top of the world.
Then the unthinkable happened. I was cut from the team. I never even dreamed that I would not make the team. I was getting positive feedback everyday. But the Coach explained that he was building for the future and that even though he knew I could help the team, he was interested in filling the team with people who could help the team for more than just a couple of years. He said I was good enough to make the team, but there were some younger players who were equally as good and he wanted to give them a chance now so that they could develop even better and be able to help the team when they were juniors and seniors.
I was devastated. I felt sick to my stomach, but not for the reasons you might think. I had cut my hair for this and now I was left with short hair with nothing to show for it. Yes, it would grow back, but I gave away my identity to belong to something and I was cut loose. I felt ripped off because I had been told by the Coach and others if you follow the rules and give a 110% you will get what you want. I did that, and I didn't get what I want, and it cost me my beautiful curly hair.
My Beautiful Curly Hair – What Do You See?
As you can imagine, my hair grew back and things returned to normal. I was happy to find that the random patterns returned and my identity was restored. I felt good about my efforts, and told myself all the many reasons why I did not make the team, which of course had nothing to do with me not being good enough and were statements of blame toward others. I did not ever, and probably still won't today, believe that I did not make the team because I wasn't talented enough. I saw myself as a victim and it worked for me. It worked because I didn't have to see myself as I really was. I didn't have to see that I wasn't good enough to make the team. I could live with the story that there were younger players who could help the team more in future without understanding that they could help the team more right then too. The Coach wanted to win now, he didn't care about the future. He just told me that to let me down gently. I just wasn't good enough.
The behavior that I engaged in while I was in High School is called Self-Deception. I am writing about my hair because it helps me realize the many ways in which I can deceive myself. You see, my hair is still a big part of my identity. I still see myself the way I am in the first picture in this post. I don't see myself the way I really am.
If you look closely at the second picture you can see that my beautiful curly hair is not as robust as it once was. Plain and simple, it is falling out all over. I have a nice clean spot in the back, and my forehead continues to get bigger every year. But I don't see it. I don't believe it is really happening. I see myself the way I once was and I believe everybody else sees it that way too. I have to really think about it to become conscious about it.
Seeing it, helps me realize that I probably see many things in my life much differently than they really are. This self-deceptive behavior can sometimes help me, (imagine what the impact of feeling like I wasn't good enough at age 16 would have had on the rest of my life) and it can hurt me. It can keep me from the truth and from really growing in those areas that I need to grow in.
Professionally speaking, we call these areas of self-deception blind spots. (No, they are not called "bald spots") They are called blind spots because we can't see them. I am losing my hair on the back of my head. I can't see it unless somebody takes a picture like the one posted. I keep it short, so the front looks normal to me. My brain doesn't process the reality of the situation. It allows me to believe that my beautiful curly hair is still there.
So What?
I realize that I am having fun with this, so let me be clear about my purpose. I have blind spots that are much more devastating and debilitating to me than my false belief that I still have my beautiful curly hair. I can only grow when I discover what they are. As long as I fail to see them, then I will be stuck with them. Recognizing them helps me become my very best me. It is not reality that limits me it is my inability to see reality that limits me and keeps me from being my very best. Once I know what I am really dealing with then I can really grow.
How does this work for you? What do you do to become aware of your blind spots? Do you care? Seeing your blind spots is about you and no one else. You can't work on somebody else's blind spots. You can only work on your own. That is why I want you to think about how you identify them. It is the only way you can grow and become your very best and that is what I most want for you.
Life is good!
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