Several years ago, I bought a very expensive automobile. It was a very exciting day for me because I had purchased what I believed to be the world’s finest automobile. I brought it home and parked it in the garage and immediately told my children not to go near the car. I strongly admonished them not to ride their bikes near it or store their baseball gear or anything else, anywhere near the vehicle.
An Impossible Directive
Because they were young they agreed, but were unable to fully comply with my request. I found myself frequently yelling at the top of my lungs - “STAY AWAY FROM MY CAR OR YOU ARE GOING TO GET IT.” They got the idea that they should not go near the car but still had trouble staying away from it. I continued the yelling technique and escalated my threats. Finally there seemed to be progress and it appeared they got the message.
The truth is, they never really did get the message. They only complied because my threats were big enough to inhibit them. They never learned the lesson that I wanted them to learn. They were too young to comprehend the real message, but they were old enough to interpret my facial expressions and tone.
That’s Not The Message I Meant To Send
I learned later that the message they got was quite different from the one I intended to deliver. I wanted to protect my car from unnecessary damage, they heard that I wanted to
protect it from them. I wanted to keep it looking new and in perfect shape, they heard that the car was more important than their fun in our garage. I wanted to teach them to take care of nice things, they learned that the car was more important than they are.
When I became aware of the messages that I was communicating, I sold the car. Fortunately my children are forgiving and gave their dad a break. It is not always that easy to right a wrong situation.
Authentic Leadership
After this experience, I began to carefully examine the messages that I was sending to others. The more I looked, the more I became aware that many of the communication problems at home and at work were directly related to my ambiguous communication. I began to see the challenges that these poorly communicated messages were creating. I also could see that much of my communication was focused on correcting and disciplining. I knew I needed to make a shift to a more positive communication style or I would continue to be misunderstood by those around me.
I began to ask myself a powerful new question. "Am I leading in a positive and uplifting way?" I could see that I needed to be more careful about the messages I was delivering, and this question helped me focus on a more excellent way.
In our individual leadership responsibilities, we must be certain that we do not communicate the wrong message. If we don’t, we will be faced with a lot more conflict than is really necessary. Sometimes we will not be able to correct the hurt we cause. We may lose a much more valuable asset when we vigorously protect or defend a position of less value, instead of fostering what really matters most.
I am convinced that our greatest triumphs and successes will be based on the relationships we build and the way we treat others. No success will compensate for our failure to be good leaders in the home and in the office. Our other successes will be hollow and worthless if we neglect the priceless work of building others. How are you doing?
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