Last week, I received some very valuable feedback from an unlikely source. The voice was critical and offensive, but I recognized the truth in the rant. It would have been very easy for me to become defensive and to brush it away, but instead, I took the time to analyze what was said and to apply it to my current circumstances.
The feedback came from an individual who I barely know. We were in the process of developing a relationship and he decided that I was not behaving as a good partner should behave. He let me have it with both barrels in a heated email. Of course, I had my reasons for the way I was acting, but he made it very clear, that those reasons did not matter.
The Truth Hurts
I was convicted. I knew my reasons did not justify my actions. I realized that I did not deal respectfully with this potential partner. I left him hanging and I owed him and apology.
My response to his email was brief:
"Dear Bob, (name has been changed to protect the innocent), I appreciate this feedback and feel bad that I have let you down. I will do my best to improve in the areas you suggest below. I wish you the best of luck in your ventures."
I appreciate the forthrightness of this individual. He gave me a great gift, one that will help me to treat others with the respect we all deserve in the future. Sometimes, it can be very difficult for us to get this kind of feedback, especially when we are working in a senior leadership role. Too many people are either afraid they will hurt our feelings, or else they are intimidated by the position we hold.
That is what made this feedback so rich. Despite its cutting tone, I felt refreshed by its candor, and immediately began using it to make me a better me.
Don't Get Defensive
The natural response to this type of feedback is to become defensive and to fire off a couple of rounds of our own by naming the shortcomings and errors committed by the other. This never works. All it does is rob from us the opportunity to see things as they really are.
Have you ever responded to one of your critics with your carefully rehearsed defense and heard them say, "oh, now I see, I guess you are right, and I was wrong"? I humbly submit that that will never happen. Our protest only further incites our critic and causes him or her to release even more toxin in our direction. All of the resulting energy expelled by both parties makes it nearly impossible for either one to learn and grow.
The best response is to say "thank you", and then take the time to review it. It doesn't matter if you agree with it or not, your thanks simply means that you are thankful for the opportunity to review it. You can then choose to act or not. Without the feedback, you would never have that choice.
How do you normally respond to the feedback you receive?
Do those closest to you feel like they can tell you the cold hard truth?
Do you take the time to thank those who give you the valuable gift of feedback?
My gain did not come from building this partnership, instead it came from the destruction of it. I am thankful to have gained something. My critic, could have simply cursed me under his breath and went on with his life without ever attempting to help me. I am thankful that he chose to teach me a lesson.
Those closest to us, don't always make the same choice. That is why we must listen to them when they decide to rate our performance. When we resist or defend ourselves against the feedback we receive, they learn to withhold it from us. When that happens, we have exactly zero chances of learning from our mistakes. This is because we either don't know we committed them, or think other people don't know we committed them, so we ultimately do nothing about it. That is not the way I want to live my life. I would rather take my lumps and learn. How about you?
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