Yesterday I had an uncomfortable experience. I was talking with a friend and during our conversation she snapped at me in a very accusatory way. Her attitude caught me off guard and I did’t know what to do at first. The only thing I could think to do was to defend myself. I began to explain to her what was really going on and what she was missing. As I defended myself, I quickly discovered what we all know to be true. That is, that when somebody levels an accusation, they rarely, if ever, change their mind when they hear the statement of defense and say, "Oh, now I see what you are doing and I see that I was wrong in making this accusation."
No, that never happens, but what does happen more often than not, when we begin to defend ourselves and explain why we are behaving in a certain way, is that the person to whom we are talking, usually becomes defensive too, and begins to add more accusations to the encounter.
Lesson From Buddha
This experience reminded me of story from the Teachings of Buddha.
One day, the Buddha was sitting upon some steps meditating when a group of boys came by and began insulting and taunting him, attempting to make him angry. After some time, one of the boys observed that the insults were having no affect upon the Buddha, who remained sitting quietly on the steps. The boy finally asked the Buddha how he could just sit there and not become enraged at the terrible treatment he was receiving. The Buddha answered the question with a question of his own, saying,
“If someone offers you a gift and you refuse to accept it, to whom does the gift belong?”
The boy thought for a moment and then replied, “Why, it continues to belong to the one offering the gift.”
The Buddha then told him, “Likewise, I am refusing to accept your insults, therefore they remain with you."
Pocketing The Offense
Sadly, I did not behave like the Buddha when my friend made her accusation. Even though, I believed the accusation was completely unfounded – I still launched into a defensive posture. I didn’t allow that to continue for very long, but as I reflect about the moment now, I know it would have been best to have received her feedback graciously, without letting it be so upsetting to me.
The gift of feedback is a very powerful gift. Without it, I don’t think it is possible to grow and become our best. In our quiet moments, we all understand that; yet the moment of feedback sometimes feels threatening, making it easy to move into a defensive posture.
I am not suggesting that all feedback is positive. Certainly there is insulting and offensive feedback which is of a no value to our individual development. The good news is that we get to choose how we will respond to the feedback receive. If we learn to see it as a gift, then we can use it or refuse it. We don’t ever have to be insulted by it. The better we become at receiving feedback, the more feedback we will receive.
Gandhi had a great phrase for rejecting insults and offenses. He simply said that when faced with an insult, he chose to "pocket the offense". In other words, he chose to put it in his pocket so he could review it when he was in a less emotional state. This way he could decide to receive or reject the feedback.
Developing Strength
We all enjoy the same freedom. We can decide to "pocket the offenses" we face and stay on a higher plane. It takes a lot of awareness to get to this state. We must examine ourselves and discover the cues and signals that help us to know when we are feeling defensive. Then our awareness will give us the strength in those moments to raise ourselves up to a higher level of reception. We will be free to receive the feedback, understand it and then act upon it. Doing so allows us to be an actor instead of a reactor.
What can you do to raise your personal levels of awareness? What are some strategies that will help you gain greater insight from the glorious and not so glorious moments of feedback? Please take a moment and think about your own story. The easy way to read this post is to only think about me and my ineffectiveness in dealing with feedback. I am inviting you to take it to the next level and examine how this may or may not be happening in your own life. That is how you will grow!
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