I told him that I was happily married and that I was not interested. This was hard for him to understand, so he persisted and asked me if I wanted to know who it was. I said "no" and then, I politely asked him to tell the woman that I was committed to my wife, and that I was not interested in breaking that commitment.

Faithful and True

I really didn't give this opportunity much thought, partly because I have a great wife, and partly because I made a vow to be faithful to her and I intend to keep it. 

Many of us start out with this vow, but our resolve often weakens as time passes. As a society, we are constantly bombarded with sexual images, which in turn, stimulate our sexual desire. We can find a sexual innuendo in almost every setting. Is it any wonder that so many of us fall to our natural instincts?

Sadly, those who maintain a standard of infidelity rarely find the happiness they seek. They eventually discover that variety does not equal fulfillment. In fact, they discover that the more they try to please their sexual desires with others, the more they need to keep trying to please it. This is because it is a desire that can never be fulfilled by simply doing the act. Our minds, as soon as we do it, begin to tell us that we need to do it again, and again and again. 

In my work, I often speak with those who have suffered the pain of either being unfaithful, or of being with an unfaithful spouse. They are amazing witnesses of the fact that the momentary pleasure that comes from having sex is never worth the lasting pain that comes from breaking the trust of a spouse.

Restoring Trust

We live in a confusing time. On the one hand, we expect fidelity in our relationships, but on the other hand we feel pulled by the message of "nobody will know". 

Perhaps you find yourself as either a purveyor of, or a victim of infidelity. You may be desperately wanting to trust or to restore trust, but you are wondering if you can ever do that again. I have vicariously felt this challenge through the missteps of friends and family. I know it is a difficult thing, but it can be done. How? That is the question many face.

I will be honest, it is not an easy path to follow. It will require you to learn something about forgiveness. Whether you did it, or had it done to you, you are going to learn how to forgive, and the first person you must forgive is yourself. I know that sounds odd if you are the victim of infidelity, but it truly is where it starts. Once you have forgiven yourself, you are then capable of forgiving others.

The next step is to re-establish your commitment to each other. You will be tested again, so it is important that you speak with each other and agree on how you will behave when the time of testing returns. Clear and open communication will prevent you from moving forward. 

Communication Is The Key

As soon as I arrived home, I told Stacy about the invitation I had on the way to the airport. I told her that I rejected the offer, and that I wanted her to be aware of the offer so we could talk about any and all future offers. Neither one of us wanted me to behave in an unfaithful way so we worked together to make sure I did not. Because I was honest with her about the invitation, and the momentary desire to accept that came with the invitation, the trust between us grew. We know we are both human and we know these types of opportunities require us to work together. We cannot face these challenges secretly, we must bring them out in the open as soon as possible. Communication is the key to finding the way out.

If you find yourself on one side of this chasm then it is time to make a choice. You must decide if you want to stay and love, or leave and love. Any other choice will only bring more sadness and despair to your life. You cannot stay and hate or leave and hate and live a happy life. Love is the only way you can begin to open the fonts of healing. It is what makes communicating through this problem possible.

You are not required to stay, but you are required to love. If you are wondering what to do, perhaps these questions will help:

What do I really want to happen?

Can I forgive myself and my spouse?

What can I do to make things better?

I should be perfectly clear that if you are a victim of infidelity, you have a right to be angry and a right to move on. I am not advocating for you to stay. I simply want you to see that if you are moving on, you will be best served if you move on with love in your heart. Love will accelerate the healing process. When I say love, I am not speaking of a romantic love, I am speaking of the love that comes for another when we recognize that they are a human being. Any other approach will leave you feeling the sting and licking your wounds for a very long time. The pain felt by both sides is real. The lack of trust is real. They can only be satisfied by love.

Live Today! Love Today!

Dr. Andrew Thorn

760-559-3548 

Piling On

Here is just a sample of what I am talking about. Yesterday, while I was working in Los Angeles, I got a flat tire. While fixing the tire, my son Jacob called to tell me that his car had overheated and that he was stuck on the side of the road. He was on his way to pick up our daughter Sarah, who had got sick at school and had waited in the medical office for two hours while the school tried to get a hold of us.

Jacob was worried about calling me because he had mistakenly backed into a friends car on Friday night and caused about $500.00 worth of damage with what he describes as a nudge. I laughed as I listened to his voice mail – "Dad, this is Jacob. There is something wrong with the car, and I did not run into anything."

When I finally got a hold of him, he asked a very interesting question. He said, "Dad, we are busy with some good things right now, why are we facing so many challenges too?"

Grin and Bear It

I was grateful for this teaching moment. I explained to Jacob that bad things happen to everybody, and that bad things never happen in a convenient moment. I then went a little deeper. I told him that our trials serve as defining moments. The way we respond to them defines the level of happiness we enjoy in our life.

You and I have at least two choices when we are faced with trials. We can hang our heads and ask, "why is this happening to me?" or, we can lift our heads, smile and say, "I can't wait to figure out the answer to this problem?"

Jacob wondered aloud, "our finances our tight right now as we prepare for Christina's wedding. I know we don't have any money to fix cars, how will we do it?" I was thankful to be able to say, "I don't know how we will do it, but I know we will. A way will open up. It always does."

Walking in Faith

The confidence I displayed as I spoke to Jacob was not contrived, nor was it discovered yesterday. It was built in the face of many different challenges. It was fostered by moving forward in the midst of uncertain circumstances. 

When we walk in faith, it appears to those who are watching that we are not afraid or worried about anything. That is a misperception. The fact is that fear and worry both reside inside a confident individual, we just don't allow them to be the dominating emotions. We acknowledge that they are there and that they won't help us move forward and so we leave them alone.

Murphy's Law, applies to everyone of us. Bad things happen. Nobody is free from that reality. The difference maker is simply the choices we make when we are confronted by our trials. We can choose to move forward, or we can choose to cry, "whoa is me".

What do you normally choose?

How do you motivate yourself to move forward?

Last night, Stacy and I sat and reflected on the events of the day. I played the various voice mail messages detailing the report of each challenge, and we laughed at the severity of the situations. We knew those messages spelled trouble – but we were somehow able to feel thankful that we would be able to survive them. Together, we took inventory of all of the things for which we feel gratitude. Amazingly, even our trials made that list. Sure, we would love to live life without them, but we realized that that, would be no life at all.

Live Today! Love Today!

Andrew Thorn

760-559-3548

Ouch

Several years ago we purchased some land in the desert with hopes of one day building a new home for our family. The land included a very old and small home that was pretty dilapidated. Over the years, we have remodeled this home and we occasionally rent it out. 

The water pressure there is very light. To counter this problem, we installed a water tank and pump to increase the pressure. The home was vacant last winter and the pipes to the pump froze and cracked. We have a new tenant moving in this week and it finally became necessary to fix the leak.

To begin the project, I cut the pipes, moved the tank out of the water closet, and unbolted the pump motor from the top of the tank. I then got busy with some of the other preparations. In the midst of all the work, I needed to move the tank from where I had originally placed it. Without much thought, I began to push it out of the way. The motor, though unbolted, was still on top of the tank. When I moved the tank, the motor, which weighs about 50 pounds, fell and landed squarely on top of my left foot. 

I saw stars. I only thought that happened with a hit on the head, but I actually saw stars. The pain was incredible and I was certain that I had broken my foot. Fortunately, it only resulted in a large, purple and black bruise. 

It Hurts

I did a stupid thing. I unbolted a 50 pound motor and left it balancing on top of a water tank four feet off the ground. My foot paid the price and now I am limping around. The pain will be with me for a while and it hurts. Sometimes we let the pain be more significant than the lessons that come from the pain. This happens when we dwell on the stupid thing we did to cause the pain. 

When we experience pain, we have at least two choices. We can beat ourself up for being so stupid, or we can learn from the experience and resolve to be more careful in the future. I choose the latter. The pain serves as a reminder and as an inhibitor from doing more stupid things. In this sense I am grateful for the pain, and I see it as a learning experience.

Letting Go!

One of the essential components of pain is that it hurts. It wouldn't be pain if it didn't. Some, embrace their pain and hold on to it like it is the only thing they have. Others view it as a temporary inconvenience and move on as quickly as they can.

We must not hold on to our pain, that will only make it hurt worse. Instead, we must move on and carry on with our life. Moving forward minimizes the pain and puts us in position to learn from its source.

Are you holding on to your pain?

What will have to happen for you to let it go?

How long will you wait to do it?

Only two days have passed since I smashed my foot. I am amazed at how well it is doing. I am not focused on the pain. Instead, I am moving forward with my life. I must do things a little differently right now, but I am confident that very soon I will return to normal activities. My confidence comes from my ability to let go of the pain. I invite you to do the same.

Live Today! Love Today!

Andrew Thorn

760-559-3548

As I went through the different scenarios in my brain, about how I would behave if this were my last day, I realized how fortunate I am to have this thought, and how important it is to act on the thoughts that entered my mind. 

As I thought about some of the aspirations that I still want to pursue, I began to laugh. My laughter was a result of the joy I felt in considering my life. Stacy wanted to know why I was laughing, and I told her that we had won the lottery. She began to laugh too, because she knew that I was dreaming again.

Life is Long

Too many times, we hear the phrase, "life is short". Looking back, that certainly seems to be true, but as we move forward through the trials of life, it can also feel very long. I think it is too long to be engaged in things that cause us, or others to suffer. 

I don't know how much time I have left, but I know I am going to fill each day with activities that bring joy to my life and to the lives of others. I don't want to waste any time in discouragement while there are so many shining moments to embrace. I choose to stand in the light.

What if today were your last day?

How would you spend your time?

Who would you spend it with?

You will most likely rise with the sun tomorrow, but just in case, don't you think you should spend at least part of today, doing the things that will bring you and others joy? The world is waiting. What will your contribution be?

Live Today! Love Today!

Dr. Andrew Thorn

760-559-3548

The Beginning

As I watched her walk out the door today, my memories of the first day of school flashed through my mind. I remembered the good and the bad came. I felt the excitement and anticipation to go back, along with the unwillingness to put an end to summer.

My memories of my school years quickly moved to other "starts" that I have experienced throughout my life. I realized that all of those "first day of school experiences" prepared me for the many other "first day" experiences I have faced in my life. 

The "firsts" of starting a new job, living in a new city, beginning life as a husband and then later as a father are all days that I remember and cherish. They are the experiences that brought my dreams to life. Each beginning brought some anxious moments and some remarkable moments. I am grateful for all of those new beginnings.

Leaning Forward

As I have aged, I have noticed that I must now manufacture beginnings. There are very few required "firsts" that are left for me to experience. If I want to do something new, I must make it happen.

I enjoy creating a "new me" each and every day, so I am always looking for new ways to stretch myself. Today was one of those days. I actually got behind a microphone and hosted my own radio program. At times, it was scary, but for the most part, I felt very natural. My producer told me that he did not believe it was my first time. I hope the audience thought so too. The opportunity to begin this new experience was something that I created. I asked the right questions, at the right time and the show was booked. I am happy to be taking things to a new level.

When was the last time you started something new?

What aspirations do you have that are yet to be fulfilled?

What will it take to make it happen?

It is easy to sit around as we age and reason that there are no mountains left to climb, or that there are no mountains left that we can climb. I believe we can always learn, and that we can always create new beginnings. I dare you to join me in this belief and set a new standard for yourself. I promise you won't regret it.

Live Today! Love Today!

Dr. Andrew Thorn

760-559-3548

Building Trust

Please allow me to state the obvious. Trust requires complete openness. Despite the simplicity of this statement, many of us withhold believing that it is not good to expose our true feelings until trust is built. For some reason, we think that we must hold back in the beginning so that we can build trust.

In reality, the opposite actually occurs. When we hold back, the person we are dealing with perceives that we are holding back, and begins to feel suspicious. It happens this way because once we see that someone is holding something back, we wonder what else they might be trying to hide. When we feel this way, our ability to trust is eroded.

It is true, that openness leaves us vulnerable, but when we are vulnerable, we are able to determine very quickly who we can and cannot trust. I have noticed, that it generally does not hurt very bad when somebody we hardly know violates are trust, but the closer someone gets, the more it hurts when trust is broken. Trusting from the beginning allows us to identify those that would hurt us before they get too close.

Step Forward With Confidence

I know that some of us are afraid of being open with others because we think that if they see us as we really are, they may not want to be around us. This way of thinking limits our ability to truly be known, and keeps us in a state of false pretense. By that I mean that it keeps us pretending to be something that we really are not. Sooner or later, our flaws will be exposed and others will feel as if their trust was violated by our attempt to cover it up.

Character always reveals itself over time. If we want to be trustworthy, then we must trust from the very beginning. I am not suggesting that we attempt to expose all of our flaws in every new relationship. Instead, I am inviting you to consider the levels of trust you are extending in your various relationships, and then determine if you are extending the proper amount. Here are some questions that will help in your evaluation. 

Are you honoring each relationship with the amount of trust it deserves?

Are you willing to be open and to share the real you?

Do you think trust is given? Or must it be earned?

I am happy to be a trusting person. I have experienced the violation of trust many times. It hurt each time it happened, but I am thankful that I decided to continue trusting others. I know it is a complex issue, and sometimes it takes me a moment to remember that my preference is to trust, but when I trust others, I enjoy life.

Live Today! Love Today!

Dr. Andrew Thorn

 760-559-3548

Many of my childhood heroes were sports stars. Growing up in LA, I wore T-shirts with the faces of Steve Garvey, Ron Cey, Steve Yeager, Magic Johnson, Kurt Rambis, Roman Gabriel, Pat Hayden, Marcus Allen and Kareem Abdul Jabbar. These were the people who contributed so much to our local teams. I also remember hating Reggie Jackson, Lou Pinella, Larry Bird, Kevin McHale, Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen, and nearly every other member of the Yankees, Red Sox and the Notre Dame football team. 

I admired these men for their ability to play the game. They were stars in our community, and they worked hard to be solid citizens and to protect their image. They were very careful with how they talked about their individual greatness. They were confident but humble about their super star status. We saw them make mistakes and they did their best to apologize for their human failures and move on. They did their best to obey the law and to stay out of trouble. They played for the team and always remembered that the name on the front of their jersey was much more important then the name on the back.

Super EGOS

Today, that way of thinking is long gone. Our sports heroes seem to be more interested in grabbing attention, on and off the field, then they are in winning championships. Tonight, Lebron James, will be the feature of a one hour special on ESPN. The purpose of the special is to announce which team will now be blessed with his ability. I admit that his announcement is news worthy, and I am actually excited about the prospect of James, Wade, Bosh trio in Miami, but I am confused about why this announcement will take an hour, and even more confused as to why many people will be watching. 

I am stunned at King James' willingness to treat his search for a new team like a reality TV show. Can you imagine Magic Johnson, Larry Bird or Michael Jordan doing that? What is even more surprising is the fact that he has yet to win anything, but he walks around like he is the greatest of all time. Muhammed Ali was known to tout his greatness, but he backed it up. Lebron hasn't done that yet. He is a great player, but he have the resume of a champion, nor does he act like one. How long will our fascination last? What will his legacy be if he is unable to win with his new crew? 

It is obvious that he needs to be noticed, and he is not alone. Even many of the lesser skilled players are demanding the media focus. Their desire to be noticed seems to be greater than their desire to win. The search for popularity is not confined to our sports figures. It spills over into every industry we know. 

Our Search

It would be easy for me to end this post now. I could sit in my easy chair and think about the flaws of our public leaders without ever shining the light inward, but my musings mean very little to me, without a moment of reflection. 

I too, would like to be more popular. I work hard every day to produce excellence, and in my opinion, not enough people in the world know who I am. The majority of my time is spent producing a valuable service, but some of it is spent figuring out how to get the message out. I want a bigger audience than I currently have, and I believe it is acceptable to search for that audience. I even use the media to help me build that audience. 

The bother that I feel with this summer's free agency reality show is that the attention is being focused on the wrong thing. It seems our super stars want so desperately to be liked, that they have forgotten what it is that makes us like them. I loved my sports heroes as a youth, because they were champions. That didn't mean that they always won, but it meant that they always acted like it. I loved my political leaders because they did their best to do the right thing with the most minimal amount of impact on our daily lives. I was loyal to the brands I used because they produced good products and services. They understood that their popularity depended on their ability to bring us value. What happened?

We are experiencing a great famine in the land. It is a leadership famine and it is widespread. The answer is for each of us to remember that when we bring value, we will be popular. We won't have to blow our own horn, because others will be doing it for us. 

What value are you contributing in your circle of influence?

Are your efforts producing positive results?

Our society needs you to be your best. We will push the "like button" more often, when you add value to our lives. We don't want gimmicks or drama, we want to be enriched by what you have to offer. Are you willing to deliver?

Live Today! Love Today!

Andrew Thorn

760-559-3548

Creative Avoidance

When I waste these moments, either sleeping or engaging in activities that are unaligned with my purpose, the rest of the day follows suit. Things just don't flow like they should and I end up wandering around in a bit of stupor trying to catch up. My search for replacement moments that will allow me to connect with my "best self" is rarely, if ever fulfilled.

My greatest disconnects happen during the summer months. It is during this time that I experience the biggest conflict between the demands of my personal and professional life. When my children are in school, they are also getting up early and going to bed early, but when they are on summer break, they stay up late and sleep in.

When I stay on course with my "early to bed and early to arise" way of living I spend fewer moments with them. It is sometimes difficult to balance the value of getting up early with my value of spending family time together. Over the years, I have become free within these competing interests and found ways to manage the dissonance.

My Key

My game begins early. My chances for a productive and successful day are magnified when I get up early. I know this because I have experimented with my schedule. I do my best to organize my life so that I am aligned with this awareness and I allow myself the luxury of breaking away when other interests would be better served. The key is that I know when I am most productive and I do my best to be awake and in motion during those times.

Do you know when you are most productive?

Are you maximizing those moments?

What strategies to you use to make sure nobody interrupts you doing that time?

Early works for me. It may not for you, and there should be no pressure to follow what works for others. If you want to be your best, then you must know when you are most likely to be at your best. Those who learn to live during those moments are able to succeed in during the times when they don't have their best stuff. They choose to organize their day in ways that allow them to live in the the rhythm of their best. Are you doing the same?

Live Today! Love Today!

Andrew Thorn

760-559-3548

The Dark Path

The details of the dispute are unimportant. Suffice it to say, that we each understood the agreement differently and expected something different from the other. When we discovered that our understandings did not match, we both dug in and took a stand for what we thought was right. This only led to more misunderstandings and a rise in temperature.

Our negotiations reached a boiling point yesterday. My partner chose to limit our conversations to email, which added to our inability to communicate effectively and resolve the issue. After a long day of virtual bickering, we both were ready to end all conversations. It seemed like there was no way for both of us to get what we want, so we both were ready to bitterly part ways. Neither one of us wanted that, but we weren't willing or able to find a compromise either.

Integrity

I awoke this morning with thoughts of this conflict. I marveled at the amount of wasted energy, and the simpleness of the dispute. I can see no value in sticking to my position, nor can I see any value in moving forward without resolving the issue or at least getting a part of what I want. We have entered the realm of lose / lose.

The more I thought about it, the more I began to see a value proposition that made sense: I desire to be a man of integrity, and integrity is not situational. By that, I mean that my ability to stand in integrity is not dependent on the other person's ability to do the same. The blessing of integrity comes to those who act justly, even when they feel like they are being dealt with in an unjust way.

I am not going to get what I want. I did not ensure that outcome in the beginning by clarifying what it was that I wanted, so I am unable to get it now. I am responsible for the situation and it is now i get to choose whether I will be a victim or a victor. It is simply my choice.

All it requires is for me to fulfill his version of the agreement. This means that I must let go of the wrong I feel and embrace what he feels is right. The monetary requirement is very small, meaning that it is not worth the negative energy that is being generated. 

What Is The Price?

This time the price ($) is small, so it is easy to come to this conclusion, but my wandering mind is wondering where the line would be drawn. In this case, a quality product was created, the dispute is over expectations unrelated to that fact. There is now no future relationship, but the present is still important. I am sure there are times when an inferior product is delivered that it is not worth behaving in this way. Standing in integrity does not mean that we allow others to walk over us, it simply means that we will do the right thing. I think we generally know the right thing, and if we listen to what is going on inside of us, we can summon the courage to do it.

It may seem unfair or unjust to concede the point with no compensation, but I have learned that the quicker I resolve negative issues, the sooner I am able to focus on the positive ones.

What do you do when you feel like you have been dealt with in an unjust way?

How do clear the issue so that you can move forward?

What is the price of your integrity?

As I write, I notice that I continue to feel bitter about the situation, but interestingly enough, I feel good about my decision. That is really all that matters to me. That feeling gives me the peace to move forward without looking back. There will always be conflict, but that does not mean that there must also be a conflicted soul. I choose to step above the fray and move on. I hope, that in your world, you will do the same. 

Live Today! Love Today!

Andrew Thorn

760-559-3548

This Day Belongs To Me

I know it is because I make each day my own. My secret is to prepare as if everything that I am, depends upon me being ready to make the most of each day. I approach life with wonder – the type of wonder that awakens me to the possibility that I will be asked to step into the shoes of greatness. 

Even when the odds are against me, I step into my vision with a certainty that all will be well. I am not afraid of what might present itself, instead I remind myself that I am ready at a moment's notice to share my story and the moments that define who I am.

Do you make the day, or does the day make you?

Do you know who you are, and are you ready to be that person?

Are you willing to share the very best of you are with those you meet?

It is often a very scary proposition to stand in the vision. It requires faith and hope and an abundant nature. Too often we embrace our poverty as if letting go will deprive us of something worth holding. Today, I dare you to stand in your vision – it is where you will feel most alive.

Live Today! Love Today!

Andrew Thorn

760-559-3548

For some members in our little group, this will be the most difficult experience they have ever faced. For others, it will be a welcome relief from the pressure they face on a daily basis. For me, it will be my first experience as the oldest person in the group. I don't feel it, but I know my time to stand on the top is ebbing, so I will enjoy every moment as we ascend to wonderful heights. 

We will all see something different when we stand on this high point. That is one of the greatest things about life – despite the face that we share each day with each other, our experience is always individual. 

I am thankful for the high points in my life. There have been many, and each one brought different meaning and purpose to my tiny / grand existence. That is why I am constantly reaching for new heights. I need to stretch and be stretched so that I can become my best.

What are the high points of your life?

What lessons did you learn from standing on the top?

When was the last time you reached for a new peak experience?

I will think of you when I am on the top of Southern California. I will express my thanks for your support and my desire for you to become your best. Please do the same for me!

Live Today! Love Today!

Andrew Thorn

760-559-3548

I have passed through the area several times during the past six years and the work being done is breath taking. Some people have actually worked on that job since its inception. To them, it is probably hard to see the progress, but to the infrequent passerby it is extremely evident. I am exited to drive across its span and benefit from the incredible work of the bridge builders.

Insoluable Problems

Today, I am standing on the opposite side of  where I want to be. This confession does not mean anything more than to say that I have goals that need to be reached, and that I can see the gap in between where I am at right now, and who I must become in order to reach those goals. 

When I see this gap, I feel overwhelmed. It is huge, so It is easy to become discouraged. I often have thoughts of turning back. Fortunately, the vision of what is on the other side is enticing. I can see it very clearly, so I keep my focus on building the bridge that will get me to the other side. Simply put, the gap is part of the journey. It does not define me, and it never will. It must be crossed but I understand that it will never be solved. 

Like the deep canyon below the Hoover Dam Bypass Bridge, this gap will always be there. The bridge I build will merely carry me safely across to the other side. Once built, the bridge does not guarantee safety, it only provides safe passage. If I become careless, I can still fall into the chasm below. If I refuse to move on to new goals, its danger will continue to plague me.

Building Bridges

Therefore, once the bridge is finished I am moving on. It may take me a while to build it, but I am not going to worry about sticking around to live on it. It is a bridge, not a house. My goal is to become the person I can see on the other side. 

The joy is in the journey. The crossing happens a little bit each day, sometimes imperceptibly, until I finally stand on the other side. The experiences I gain from building this bridge will help me carry on when I reach the other side. Once there, I am sure I will discover new goals and gaps. Each new crossing will be equally exciting. 

What do you see – the overwhelming gap or the future on the other side?

Are you pressing forward or turning back?

What thoughts keep you going?

I am amazed when I look back at how many bridges I have built. Most of them are of no use to me now, they were merely private victories of a previous me. This admission does not prevent me from continuing the work of today. Instead, it inspires me. My goal is to make sure that the work I do today, will somehow add to the structure that will eventually be a bridge to who I want to become. Any thing less than that would result in the waste of the most precious resource I possess. TIME!

Live Today! Love Today!

Andrew Thorn

760-559-3548

As individuals advance in senior leadership roles, developmental feedback is often withheld, and many leaders think that because they are not getting it, they don't need it. Consequently, many leaders hit a plateau in their own personal and professional development. In effect, they stop growing.

Leaders Need Feedback

In the early stages of their careers, many successful leaders were given the guidance and support they needed to become their best. They were regularly monitored, coached and mentored, but as they moved up the ladder of success, the sources of honest and useful feedback became more difficult to find. After a certain point, they were left to their own devices to figure things out.

Their success, and the lack of critical feedback, usually creates a false sense of wellbeing, which can result in missing the signs that indicate the need for growth and development. By the time negative perceptions come to light, personal and professional reputations may have already suffered significant consequences.

Getting The Help You Need

Even the most outstanding leaders sometimes find themselves off track and unaligned with their most important values. Intelligent leaders understand this, and realize that they must actively seek the information they need to continually develop their individual and professional behaviors. They are not afraid of feedback. In fact, they crave it. They use this information to discover blind spots and close the gaps between their current leadership style and the leader they desire to become.

When was the last time you had a leadership check-up?

How do you discover your leadership blind spots?

Is your leadership style comfortable? Does it reflect who you really are?

The world is constantly changing, and leaders need to be able to adapt their personal and professional styles accordingly. No matter how talented and successful you are, you will make mistakes and develop bad habits. As you progress in your career, some behaviors that once worked, will no longer be effective. Dr. Thorn's Leadership Advantage™ is a process that is specifically designed to help you see things as they really are. Are you ready to grow?

Live Today! Love Today!

Andrew Thorn

760-559-3548

It feels good to voluntarily get the most out of what we have, but when it is constantly forced upon us, we can begin to feel taxed beyond our individual abilities. Sometimes that feeling of fatigue leads to doubt and fear, and those emotions can cause us to wonder if we will ever see a return to prosperity.

Life Is Good!

I believe that we will, so I live with that expectation. I refuse to give in to the shadows that these challenging times evoke. Instead, I walk in faith. I admit, that it is not always easy to do, but I just keep believing that things are going to be better soon, and act as if they will. Consequently, I am often surrounded with lots of movement in the positive direction.

Whenever I begin to feel discouraged, I pause and take inventory of the things that encourage me. All I really need to do, is to ask myself one simple question, "What encourages me?"

When I know what encourages me, I can use those experiences to bring me back to a positive outlook, even when I am faced with a discouraging situation. It is easy to get sucked in to those circumstances,  so I do not face the day without arming myself with this mindset.

I may not ever be able to eliminate everything that discourages me, but I can choose the way I will respond to the dark moments I face. A second question prepares me to shine. I simply ask, – "What will I do when I am faced with discouragement?" Knowing the answer to that question keeps me acting instead of just reacting in the moment. 

We Are In This Together

We don't always understand the fact that everyone, at one point or another, faces a discouraging moment. Sometimes we think that we are the only ones, and that we are doomed for failure. We must always remember that successful people are not people without problems; they are simply people who have learned to see beyond their problems. You and I can do the same thing.

Please take some time to ponder these two questions:

What encourages me?

What will I do when I am faced with discouragement?

Go ahead, allow yourself a few moments to consider all of the things that light up your world, then focus the rest of your day on walking in that light.

Live Today! Love Today!

Andrew Thorn

760-559-3548

Wise Counsel

In many ways, I am a futurist. This means that I spend a lot of time considering the impact of the moves I make today, and how they will affect and shape my long term results. I want to make sure that the things I do today, lead me to become the best future me that I can become. My willingness to subordinate short term pleasure for long term benefit continues to define my actions.

As I looked toward the future, I learned to identify many potential road blocks before they actually impeded my path. This gave me time to speak about these challenges with people who had already managed to move beyond them. I became adept at finding people who were experts in the things that I did not understand and enrolling them to help accelerate my progress. This helped me avoid many pitfalls.

Consequently, I received a lot of very wise counsel along the way. Some advice was more difficult to receive than others as it related to personal changes that I would need to make in order to master the point. I wasn't always willing to do that because even though I knew I needed help, I still thought I was pretty sharp. My self worth sometimes caused me to be defensive and prevented me from becoming better. 

Powerful Lesson

One wise friend taught me a very important concept that I now use nearly every day in my role of trusted advisor. As we were discussing an important concept, he noticed that I was beginning to feel defensive. He immediately changed the topic to something that we both strongly agreed was important and necessary. 

After we had come together on that topic he said, "Andrew, you invited me here to give you counsel, but you are the final decision maker. This means that you can accept or reject my counsel at any time. You can use all of it, part of it, or none of it. I understand my role, and I will not be upset if you decide to move in another direction. The only promise I would like you to make with me is that you will listen and consider the counsel I am giving. Once you have demonstrated that, I will leave you alone to make your decision." Then he went back to the difficult topic concept and began explaining his concerns.

I left the meeting with greater trust and respect than I previously held for this individual. He taught me how to engage in difficult conversations without making a person feel like they were less of a person. I attribute my ability to say things that very few people can say without making the other feel defensive or attacked to that magic moment. It enforced my belief that I can deliver the difficult message while demonstrating love and care for the other.

His permission to listen without any obligation to change actually made it possible for me to listen and grow without feeling threatened. It gave me the courage to listen to others, even when they did not give me the same permission. I felt comfortable enough to hear every message without feeling the need to change. Consequently, my personal growth was accelerated.

Are you willing to listen and consider the ideas of others without judging them?

Do you receive feedback as a gift, or do you see it as a threat?

Who in your circle of influence can help accelerate your growth?

Understanding the challenges that I may face in the future allows me to live in this moment on purpose. In order to truly understand and reach our future, we need the help of trusted advisors who can guide us around and away from the threats that might derail us. This kind of help is all around. You just gotta be willing to ask for it. Don't deny yourself this gift. Do it today!

Live Today! Love Today!

Andrew Thorn

760-559-3548

I googled the phrase "definition of leadership" this morning and was rewarded with 2.8 million hits. No one has time to read them all, but I am confident that if we did, we would find more differences in those definitions than we would find similarities. I am ok with multiple definitions because it truly is a subjective quality. I believe however, that we can define a common direction that leadership must be tracking in order for it to be considered effective.

The Primary Purpose

Leadership is about making things better. If you are being led by someone who is not making things better then you may want to consider other possibilities. If you a leading others without making things better, then you should resign your post so that somebody who will, is at the lead.

There are many challenges today and too many leaders are using that as an excuse to not make things better. I hear them say things like, "when the economy turns around, we will be able to make things better" and "What can I do? There are so many limits and restrictions on us that I can't make things better."

These are great excuses but real leaders would never use them. Real leaders don't talk about what they can't do. They understand the boundaries and limits they face and instead of fighting them, they learn to work within them. 

Instead of declaring what they can't do, they focus all of their energy on what they can do. This means that they are always using their strengths to make things better. Can you see the difference? They know the restrictions they face are real, and that they must be considered, but they also know that success is possible by learning to use what they have.

The A-Team Mentality

One of my favorite fictional leaders is Hannibal Smith. His team is always reminding him of the limits that they are facing but his mind is always somewhere else. Because he sees things differently he is able to see how he can use those limits to his advantage. He uses his creativity to set the team in motion. They don't always understand his plan, but they trust him enough to know that his ideas work. At the end of every show, he confidently states "I love it when a plan comes together". The odds were always against him, but he was willing to use what he had to make things better.

That's the kind of leader I want to be, and it's the kind of leader I like to follow. Leaders don't have all the answers, and there are times when they face serious doubts, but they know that if they use their strengths, then they will eventually get the results they are seeking.

Discovering Your Leadership Voice

"I can't", or "we can't" are two phrases that seriously affect our leadership abilities. That is because they effectively end any and all creative conversations before they even begin. The more we say it, the less we see possibility. I dare you to focus your efforts on what you can do instead of what you can't do.

Are you free to work within the boundaries you face?

Do you take the time understand what you can do?

Are you confident enough to trust your own leadership voice?

You are the key. If you do not trust your leadership voice and style, no one will. All it really takes is eliminating two simple words from your vocabulary – "I can't". I dare you to do it.

Live Today! Love Today!

Andrew Thorn

760-559-3548

Both shows dealt with the power of choice. These weren't just daily choices, but they were life changing choices. The kind that are very difficult to make, and even more difficult to fix if the wrong one is made. 

Good and Evil

The classic battle of good and evil was portrayed before our eyes. I find it very interesting that both shows portrayed evil sometimes very despicably, and other times very subtly. 

In both episodes, really serious evil was portrayed as a monster. This type is easy for us to identify and only very few of us choose to follow that. But both also portrayed evil in the guise of people that look just like you and me. Their agendas were very evil, but their faces were very attractive. The characters on the show, and even some of the viewers, find it very difficult to discern if they are really evil, or if they are simply misunderstood by those around them.

Good was not portrayed in an over-the-top manner like the evil monsters. We were simply left to trust our instincts in who we think is good. Sadly, we were not always right. 

Lifetime Choices

Fortunately, very few of us experience the monstrous side of evil in our life times. I know it exists, but if you are reading, you have probably done a pretty good job of either avoiding it, or escaping its clutches. However, we all struggle with subtle shades of good and evil on a daily basis. We seek good, but it is often difficult to tell what good is, especially since politically, we are constantly redefining it.

Our choices shape our freedom and the quality of life we experience. When we are fooled into using our agency to choose something evil, we feel good at first, and then we discover the debilitating force of the dark side. It can make us feel discouraged. It can make us feel worthless. It always makes us feel encumbered. Those feelings are constantly with us until we become willing to admit that we made a bad choice. Our ego, makes it difficult for many of us to make this admission so we flounder in the ever increasing darkness that comes from one bad choice leading to another. 

Fortunately, only a few choices lead us to having no further choices. Everyday, we are capable of choosing who we want to become. We can move toward becoming our best possible self, or we can move toward becoming our worst possible self. The choice is ours.

You Have Changed

Sometimes we run into people that we haven't seen in a while and they say something like, "I can't believe how much you have changed." This phrase at time bothers me because I feel like I have always been the same in my core, but I recently came to realize that my choices have not always accurately portrayed who I am at my core. 

It took me many years to figure out how to radiate the energy and light that I feel at my core. Even today, I do not do it perfectly, but many of those around me can see the progress I am making. I am thankful that they are noticing, and even more grateful to discover that the choices I am making are leading me to be a better me.

How are you using your agency?

Will the choices you are making today propel you into becoming your best self?

Are you consciously making a choice between good and evil? or Are you letting life happen to you?

I value choice more than any other freedom. I am thankful that we have the power to choose. I don't always choose right, and I am thankful for that too because I always learn from the evil choices I make. They give me perspective and allow me the freedom of making new choices that redefine and reestablish my desire to make good choices. The best choices are made when we allow ourself the space to step out of the current moment and look at the long term repercussions. Remember, evil choices always feel good from a short term perspective. It is only after we either consider or experience the long term consequences that we are able to see their harm. Take a look at the choices before you, and go do the right thing!

Live Today! Love Today!

Andrew Thorn

760-559-3548

Inventing Reality

This caused me to have a deep conversation with myself about reality. An influential person in my life taught me nearly 20 years ago that I can invent whatever reality I want to invent. He told me that when I argue my limitations they become mine and I am stuck with them.

This is quite an amazing thought. Can it really be true? Is the only thing that limits our opportunities our own fears, doubts and/or willingness to accept the status quo? Do we really have the power to accomplish anything we want? What do you believe?

Almost a month ago I started on several very powerful and difficult challenges. I dreamed that I could accomplish these goals within a 90 day period. Many around me think I am crazy. This does not change the fact that I am doing things that they thought would be impossible. I am tired, and challenged but I am building the physical and mental muscles I need to make it happen. I look forward to the time when the rest of me becomes accustomed to the physical and mental exertion that my mind so easily embraces. I am getting tired of waiting for the rest of me to catch up with who I am becoming.

Making It Happen

Since I began this process I have not used an alarm clock. I wake up every day at exactly 4:30 AM. I have not felt tired when I get up. I have not felt like I want to stay in bed, even when my body is still sore, but I have yet to finish a day when I felt like I could keep going. In fact, when I finish, I can barely crawl into bed.

Despite what I am accomplishing, doubt sometimes creeps into my mind. Today I saw the immensity of the task at hand. I thought to myself, "How can I possibly believe that I can stretch myself in these ways?" I was consumed for a moment with the response, "I can't." But for some reason I just keep going, even when I didn't feel like I could keep going. I found my self screaming, "THIS IS NOT MY LIMIT." "I AM DESTINED TO BECOME A BETTER ME."

A Powerful Purpose Statement

I often reflect on a song titled "Corner of the Sky" from the Broadway Musical Pippin. The version I have, is sung by the great Diana Ross. The chorus of that song says – "Rivers belong where they can ramble, Eagles belong where they can fly. I've got to be, where my spirit can run free. Gotta find my corner of the sky."

What a great purpose statement. I don't want to be mediocre or normal. I want to continually push my limits and discover just who I am really capable of becoming. It is not easy being a "Master of Make It Happen." Each experience raises the bar, which means that I must continually be something better each time out. That is a lot of pressure to operate under, but it is the only way that I believe that we can truly satisfy the demands of continuous improvement.

What limits are you running up against?

How will you break through them?

As I tear down the walls of previous realities, I discover that I built those walls. I truly am the one who decides my own limits. My reality begins and ends by my own definition. I haven't figured out how to levitate or walk through walls but I no longer believe that it is impossible. I know it sounds crazy, but today the asphalt felt like foam padding. Go figure! 

Live Today! Love Today!

Andrew Thorn

760-559-3548

Results vs. Process

As I look, I realize that this is a common characteristic shared by many leaders. Sometimes, we get stuck on the result and we forget about the process required to create that result. We often get the result we want, but we don't always notice the cost. This is because we are persistent, focused and determined to reach that goal, no matter what the cost. 

Most leaders are able to see from point A to point Z. They are able to jump ahead and skip steps. The don't concern themselves with the "in between" steps, because they know they will figure out how to deal with it when they get there. In stead, they focus on the goal and they keep their eye focused on it until they get there.

Unfortunately, not everyone is programed that way. This behavior can actually be quite annoying to those who are following. Sometimes they only see the goal through the vision that the leader communicates. They cannot see the actual goal, instead they can only see what stands in the way of getting to it. 

The Road Builders

This perspective should not be criticized. Without it, the leader wouldn't get very far. It is vital to building the roads that are needed to make it to the top. The people who see things in this light make the journey possible. 

They are not always motivated by the result. In stead, it is the process that drives them. They do not need to stand on the top and look from point A to point Z. They do the work the connects the other steps that are needed. This is where they find their joy.

Speaking Both Languages

It took me a long time to understand the difference between these two perspectives. I was all about the results and I could not feel good when I was in process mode. 

The change came when I stopped on the top of mountain that I had hiked and looked out. It had taken me all day to get there, but after a few moments I was heading back down the hill. On my way down, a phrase I had heard finally made sense. The joy was in the journey and not standing on the top. The time on the top was only momentary, the thrill was in getting there.

It was then that I realized the beauty of process. It changed me for a while. I got so caught up in the process that I forgot about the results. It didn't take me long though to discover that forgetting about the results doesn't work either.

Leaders need to understand both process and results. They will normally prefer one or the other, but they must speak both languages. Once they figure out what their preference is, they need to surround themselves with other leaders who are strong in the other.

What is your preference?

Are you able to communicate both the vision (results) and the journey (process) to those who follow you?

Who can help you fill in the gaps?

The vision and the journey are both critical paths to success. It is not necessary for the Leader to be responsible for both. The best Leaders know their limitations and find other leaders to lead the areas that are out of their preference zones. Who are you surrounding yourself with?

Live Today! Love Today!

Andrew Thorn

760-559-3548

When I began my trip home, I was glad that it was later in the evening. As expected, the traffic was light and the trip home seemed like it would be smooth sailing. Unfortunately, that pattern did not last very long and before I knew it I was in another slow down. 

We were moving, but only at about 5 miles per hour. I could see the lights of emergency vehicles ahead and could calculate about how long it would take to get through the mess. I was tired, but not too tired to worry about the people involved. I resolved to be patient as I made my way through.

Looky Loos

The accident was a near an overpass. As I approached, I could see many people who were pressed against the fence, looking down at the wreck. This made me worry even more about the people involved. The cars ahead of me were slowly passing by the scene – I could see that many were struggling to get a look at what was going on.

When I got to the site of the pile-up, I looked over and discovered that it was only a very minor accident. Everybody involved looked like they were ok. The emergency technicians were speaking with the people and moving their vehicles out of the way. I was happy to discover this, but I now felt irritated by the time lost in the delay.

The people on the overpass were not moving they just kept standing there. Their presence was contributing to the slow down as everybody thought there was something to see so they drove slowly by. I wondered, "what is the attraction?" and "What were they expecting or hoping to see?"

The Wrecks of Life

There are wrecks all around us. In my opinion, we spend too much time focusing on them. For some reason the nightly news is almost entirely focused on the bad things that are going on around us. 

We can choose watch these pile-ups, but I submit that there is very little value. I know the intent is to make us more aware and sympathetic to the plight of humanity, buy I recommend that instead of fostering greater care for others it calluses us and creates a resistance to feeling anything at all. In short, it actually desensitizes us to the pain and suffering of others because we begin to think, "it happens all the time, and there is nothing we can do about it."

There Is Beauty All Around

I dare you to focus today on the beauty that is all around you. I dare you to use inspiring language. I dare you to walk away when an off color story is told. I dare you to stand up for virtue.

Looking away from the profane and tragic events of the world does not mean that we hide our heads in the sand. It simply means that we focus our attention on the beauty that is all around us, which in turn leads us to become more sensitive to the tragedies. I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but we actually develop a greater capacity to care for others and, more importantly to do something about it. 

What wrecks are you allowing in your life?

What must happen for you to be able to look toward the beauty?

Where will your strength to help others come from?

You can look at anything you want. Some will tell you that there are no consequences for looking, but there most certainly are very real consequences. Just like the delays caused by "Looky Loos" our life also suffers from looking at the wrecks that cannot inspire or engage. Don't get caught in that traffic trap. Look at the beauty. It is all around us.

Live Today! Love Today!

Andrew Thorn

760-559-3548