“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” Lewis B. Smedes
I have a confession to make. Some people annoy me. I must go even further, some of my clients annoy me. Since I am being open, sometimes even some of my family members annoy me. In the spirit of full disclosure, I must admit that I am aware that I sometimes annoy others, even my family members and clients.
These annoyances are usually minor and easy enough to overlook. Sometimes though they are major offenses which are very hurtful and difficult to get over. A few of the hurts have lasted longer than others. Most I have been able to resolve, but some remain unresolved. Some of those have been resolved on one side, but the other side continues to hold on to the offense and is unable to forget.
Some of the most hurtful offenses I have personally experienced have been with those closest to me. Once, one of my most trusted associates behaved in an extremely inappropriate manner. He significantly violated my trust and as a result, I was put in a position where I had to defend our interests against a significant challenge. I defended our interests effectively, but one of the conditions of the settlement was that I could no longer employ my friend. He took that to mean that I didn't support him and a major grudge was formed. I did everything I could to be as fair as possible, but he did not accept any of my offerings.
He focused many of his efforts on making my life miserable. We lived in a small town and shared many common interests and friends. Our children were close in age and we would see each other at Little League and Community basketball games. I tried many times to resolve the conflict and each time I was met with hate and a promise that he was going to seek revenge. His treats sometimes frightened me. It was very clear that he was in a lot of pain and I was not sure about how far he was willing to go to get revenge.
I did my best to stay out of his way. In my own life I was seeking peace from this situation. I was constantly troubled by it. This person, at one time, was my friend. We enjoyed many wonderful times together. I focused my energy on forgiving him and hoping that he would one day forgive me. Each new wound found me forgiving again and doing my best to stay as far away as I possibly could.
No matter how many times I forgave him, the wounds kept festering up again and the anger and pain would reenter into my being. I wanted relief. Our town proved to be too small for me to effectively avoid the situation. I considered moving away just so I could just get away.
The Light Went On
One day, like many others, I was reflecting on this situation and wondering about what I could do to resolve this painful issue. Up until that day, I had only seen what this person had done to me, and I only thought about how he needed to ask me to forgive him. I had looked at it this way too many times with no success. I was determined to resolve it and so I asked myself a very powerful question: "What is my contribution to the problem?"
As I began to answer this question I began to see the many ways in which I contributed to this breach. I saw how some of my actions had led to the bigger breach. I saw how I treated him as the details of his mistake were coming to light and how I judged him. I saw how my belief that I had done nothing wrong had added to the problem. My belief that he should be asking me for forgiveness was pious and relentlessly communicated a "holier than thou" type attitude.
As I focused on these thoughts I learned a very powerful lesson. I had forgiven my friend over and over but the pain remained. The real person I needed to forgive was myself. I couldn't truly forgive him until I forgave myself because the wound would still be open. I needed to heal and the only way I could heal was if I forgave myself. Once I did that, my cycle was complete. I was able to view my friend again with love. I was able to remember the good times. I felt peaceful again.
Even though I reached out to him and sought a reconciliation, he was unable to do the same. Our relationship never healed, but I no longer feel the pain of a failed relationship. I am at peace when I think of him and when I encounter him. I owe this to the fact that I forgave myself first.
The Key Learning
Everyday, I will most likely commit some act that could cause me to feel guilty or less than I really am. I like to end every day by forgiving myself of all my previous sins. This allows me to start the next day by being the very best Andrew I can be. The previous Andrews don't haunt me because I have forgiven them and left them in the past.
What is your strategy for letting go of the pain caused by a failed relationship? How do you overcome the mistakes you make? What are your thoughts on forgiving self and others? Are you holding on to an experience that you need to let go of? What is stopping you? What is your contribution to the problem?
These are the questions I ask myself when I need to let go. I would like to learn from you. Please comment either via email, at linkedin, or give me a call? I am looking forward to hearing from you.
Life is good!
760-559-3548
