My boys came home from baseball practice yesterday and my 14 year old son Joseph said, "the coach told me that I hit better than Jacob." This naturally caused Jacob, who is 16, to say something like, "no he didn't, I hit the ball way better than you." This started a great conversation about a thought that is on my mind a lot lately. I call it sharing vs. comparing. I wanted to know why it was that they could not be happy for each other? Why couldn't Jacob just say something like, "you are good hitter and I am glad because you are my brother and I want you to succeed."
Someone else's success does not threaten me. It does not make me "less than." Yet I too have responded the same way Jacob did. I have noticed that when someone shares something about themselves, the natural response for some reason is to compare that accomplishment with something I have done.
Another illustration of this is a conversation I was having a with a friend a couple of years ago. It seemed like every time I would answer a question or offer a thought, she would compare something she had done, or somebody she knew had done, with what I had said. I didn't say anything about it, but it troubled me a bit. I had never noticed it before with this friend, it just seemed like it was very prominent during that particular conversation.
After that, I started listening for this behavior in others and noticed that it actually happened very often. I even noticed that it was something I did too. The more I thought about this the more it troubled me. I didn't like doing it and I didn't like having it done to me. That is when I first started thinking about this whole idea of "always share, never compare." Of course I understand that our ability to compare is a very important characteristic, but I think that sometimes we take that too far.
A recent event helped me see the meaning behind this saying even clearer than I did before. The tragic news that A-Rod used performance enhancing drugs to achieve greatness was troublesome to me, but the reason he said he did it was even more troublesome. He said he did it, because he felt the pressure of being the highest paid player in the history of baseball. Instead of focusing on being his best, he was worried about how he would be compared to others. From the beginning of his career he was lauded as one of the best ever, yet he still felt the need to enhance is performance by taking an illegal substance. I think he wasn't good enough for himself because he was measuring himself against an unreasonable standard.
As I reflected on this concept, I learned that I will never be happy with my own accomplishments as long as I am comparing them to somebody else's. There will always be somebody who does what I do better than I do it. I learned this when I bought a BMW. The car was billed as the ultimate driving machine and I believed the hype. I thought it was the greatest car in the world. After driving it a few days I noticed that nobody got out of my way when they saw me coming. There was still always somebody in front of me. I noticed that while I had a nice car, it was easy to spot a nicer one as I drove down the road. I learned real quick that it really was not a big deal. The car's main function was transportation, and even though it was the ultimate driving machine, at the end of the day, the only real difference was my cost of transportation went up.
Not only did I find myself comparing it to other cars, but I also found it difficult to share my excitement with some of those around me. Just as I was guilty of comparing what I had and thinking I had something better, they were guilty of comparing what I had and thinking they deserved better. They could not share in my joy, because they were feeling some sort of pain because they did not have one. Plain and simple, some people were jealous. As a result I did not enjoy my car as much, to which I now say – "shame on me!"
What To Do?
This is really an easy problem to fix. It starts with listening to others. I notice when I ask questions about the accomplishments of others, I learn more about why they are so excited. As their excitement builds so does mine and I can more effectively share in their excitement.
I also learned that the phrase, "yeah I know" is the ultimate excitement killer. It was hard for me to figure this one out because I know a lot of things and I thought by saying "yeah I know" I was sharing. I discovered though that what it really sounds like I am saying is, "are you kidding me – you just figured that out?" As soon as "yeah I know" comes out of my mouth I can see the conversation end. The person sharing generally stops in his/her tracks and the conversation changes. When I listen the person has a chance to share with me what is going on, s/he really gets the opportunity to share with me what they wanted to share. It doesn't matter if I already knew it, because even if I did, I did not get to hear it from their perspective.
I did this other day in a conversation I had about an event at which four people I know participated. The first of the four people I know gave me a pretty in depth account. She had been an observer and so she spoke about it from her perspective as an observer. Then I spoke with a person who had actually participated. When she started speaking about it I resisted the urge to say, "yeah so and so told me all about it." I just listened. Though some of the details were the same, I was fascinated by what those details meant to this other person. I heard the same story from four different perspectives and while the basic "what happened" was consistent, what that meant to the four different people was entirely different. I would have missed that if I just would have said, "yeah I know".
Comparing Vs. Sharing
What feelings do these thought evoke in you? How do you feel when you are telling something you are excited about and you get "yeah I know"? Do a little experiment for the next few days and count how many times you say it to others and how many times others say it to you? Take a moment to notice how you feel when you hear it and see if you can notice how the person you say it to responds when you say it. I want to hear your comments on this. This is a thought that I am still making meaning out of and your observations will help me take this thought to the next level. If you are already really good at this, please share with me the strategies you use to share instead of compare.
Life is good!
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