There is something on my mind today and it is not going to be easy for me to write about. It will require me to be completely open and share with you something that I would rather keep in the dark. The only reason I can confidently share it with you is because the people that matter most to me already know it. You probably already know it too. The fact that I am just awakening to this is just a symptom of something I suffer from – something we all suffer from – Self-Deception.
I love my wife. We were married 20 years ago on August 26. She is my greatest support. Her influence in my life is really quite remarkable. I would do anything for her. She inspires me to be a better man. The love and trust that I have for her is deep and pure. During our 20+ years together there have been a couple of situations when I had to contemplate life without her. I could not imagine it – the thought left me weak and afraid.
I Am Happy – Hope Your Happy Too
In our marriage we have passed through only a few contentious moments, at least from my perspective. I would never purposely do anything to hurt her, embarrass her, or treat her unkindly. She has never done any of those things to me. In my mind, we have an outstanding marriage. The little things that she does that sometimes irritate me are just that, little and unimportant. I realize that she is not perfect and I love her for all of her imperfections.
A few months ago I was thinking about our marriage from the perspective of making it even better. I was wondering what I could do to be a better husband. In my mind I was already “Mr. Incredible” so I was having a difficult time coming up with anything. I decided I needed her input and so I engaged her in a conversation asking for feedback on how I could be a better husband. I was in Argentina on a business trip and so the conversation occurred on the phone, across six time zones and 5000 miles. I told her I was extremely happy with our marriage and I was wondering if she was too. I asked her if there was anything I could do to be better. She was gentle at first and was talking about my ability to be direct with people and confront them with the truth and she said I could tone it down a bit. When she realized I wasn’t getting the point she blurted out – “Sometimes you are an ass.”
I was stunned. I could not believe what I heard. I could not imagine that she would or could ever think such a thing about me, “Mr. Incredible”. This woman that I worship and whom I thought worshipped me told me with just one word, that sometimes I am rude, unkind, mean and embarrassing to be around. Even though I could not believe it, I knew I could not debate it. I received the feedback as best as I could, but it hurt.
I Felt That
When we hung up the phone I was left alone with my thoughts 5000 miles away. It stung so much and consumed my thoughts. Yet the more I thought about it, the more I rationalized that it was just her problem. How could she possibly think such a thing? She was obviously thinking of somebody else. She just must not understand me. She must have had a bad day. She must not really know me. She must be confused.
Fortunately, the more I thought like this, the more ridiculous I began to sound. I know how much Stacy loves me, so I knew that no matter how difficult this was for me to hear, there must be some truth behind it because I knew it must have been hard for her to say. I was thankful for the trust she felt to say it. Even though I knew that there must have been some truth behind it, I could not see what I could do about it. I told myself that this is just the way I am and thought that since this is just part of my nature I probably can’t change it. I really could not think of times that I behaved in the way she described. I believed that my motives were always pure and that it is just the way I am.
She Was Right
Fast forward to yesterday. I was in the middle of writing my blog and she came up to be with me. She wanted to tell me something that was important to her. I was in the middle of a thought and I said to her without looking up – I am writing the blog right now and I cannot be disturbed or I will lose my train of thought. Don’t bother me right now. I didn’t really say “don’t bother me right now”, but I didn’t need to. My tone and facial expressions communicated that for me. She meekly said she was sorry and went away without comment. I was too busy to notice her facial expression and tone. If I had, I would have noticed a happy face turn to hurt in less than a second’s time. She went away and I continued to write. No incident – only a brief interruption and I was back at it.
One of my current goals is to be more kind. This morning, I was studying about kindness when my study trail led me to consider the opposite of kindness – rude behavior. In a moment, I became self-reflective and I began to wonder whether or not I ever behave rudely. My thoughts drifted back to the comment of several months ago –“sometimes you are an ass” – and I still found it difficult to grasp the full meaning of this comment. Then it hit me and a different kind of pain entered into my being. It was the pain I get when I recognize that I hurt somebody that I love.
The woman that I adore came to my office yesterday to tell me something important to her. I was too busy with something so unimportant to even pause and give her one-minute of my time. I ignored her and dismissed her without even looking at her. I just dismissed her in the name of writing a blog that very few people will ever read. What made it hurt even worse was when I realized that while I was writing the blog, I responded to several emails and even answered the phone once to talk to an important client. Their interruptions were acceptable, but hers was not. I was rude and dismissive to the person I proclaim to care the most about and courteous and kind to my clients. This was definitely one of those “sometimes” when I was an ass. I had the hard evidence to prove it and I could not deny it. Ouchy-mama!
Now I Know – And You Do Too
The good news is that I was able to see it, which means I can now do something about it. The pain is enough to motivate me to grow. My most important relationship is with my wife and I am fairly certain that if I can learn to treat her everyday like I did when she fell in love with me then my other relationships will also benefit. So I move forward, with a new awareness, but without guilt. I cannot fix the past. I can only say that I am now aware of my behavior, apologize for my previous lack of awareness and be better.
It is hard work to become my best, but it is so worth it. Look inward. Look deep. Allow yourself to see things as they really are. It is sometimes painful. It took me over a year to see what Stacy meant because I protected myself so carefully. Now I am free from that bit of self-deception and I must act or continue to “sometimes be an ass”. At least I will know it when I see it. I know I will not be perfect from this day forward, but I will be a better me. That excites me.
See you on the road!
See you on the road!
Andrew Thorn
760-559-348
athorn@telioscorp.com
